Telling ourselves the whole truth in situations is where peace and acceptance will be found. If you find yourself defensive or hurt over things someone has said there may another side of the truth that needs to be told. If you find yourself unable to fully allowing certain negative emotions there may some truth that you're pretending isn't there.
In this episode I talk about why owning the truth. Through examples you will see how looking at things from a different perspective and then owning what's true for you can deepen your connection with yourself and in the other meaningful relationships in your life.
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Full Episode Transcript:
I’m Karin Nelson and you’re listening to Becoming You Again podcast episode number 98.
Welcome to becoming You Again. The podcast to help you with your mental and emotional wellbeing during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the trauma of your divorce by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so your life will be even better than when you were married. I’m your host Karin Nelson.
Hello my friends. Welcome back to the podcast. How are you all doing? My cat has decided to join us as I record this podcast for you today and so if you hear some purring, well you are welcome. I do find that cat purring is very soothing to me and if it’s not soothing to you, you can just fast forward through this part. But I did want to mention, first you all, you guys know how much I love recording this podcast for you. It is one of my favorite things and I know how important it is when you are going through divorce were after the divorce when you need some guidance and some help feeling supported and feeling like there is someone there to can help you get through the really difficult, hard, challenging times the facing. That is why I create this podcast because when I was going through my divorce I had audiobooks and I had actual paperback books that I was reading and going through and I didn’t find coaching for a couple of years after my divorce was final. So I make this podcast to help as many women as possible, and men of too of course, but I know my audience is mostly women and I make this podcast specifically for you. For you women who are struggling with the trauma that you are facing as you go through your divorce, after your divorce as you are trying to heal and grieve and process and create a new life and a new beginning and figure out what your life looks like moving forward. This podcast is to help you through all of that as a guide to offer you some suggestions and some tools and things that have helped me and are helping my clients and that might help you. And the more women who know about this podcast, the more women this can help. And so I need your help getting the word out. I am so grateful to every person who has gone in and left a reading, either on Spotify or on Apple podcast or wherever you listen to this podcast. But I am asking just for one more thing. If you will please go to the podcasting app that you listen to this podcast on. I know most of you are listening to it on Apple podcast. There are some of you who are listening to it on Spotify and a view others here and there but whatever podcasting app that you listen to it, the algorithm really loves comments and if you would do me just a quick favor, take one minute out of your day. Go right now to the app, scroll to the bottom or click the button right when you open it up and leave a comment about the podcast so that more women can find this podcast and have access to it. I would greatly, greatly appreciate that. All right thank you so much for your help. I truly appreciate that. Let us move on to this week’s topic.
This week I am talking about owning the truth. What I mean by that is telling yourself the truth in any situation of your life, even if it isn’t something that you want to face or see or acknowledge. Now I want you to understand that you can use this concept with other people in your life in relationships when it feels right. And as I get more examples about what I mean by owning the truth you are going to understand kind of what I mean that I do in the end believe that the truth truly will set you free and it does create an environment of connection, deep connection and honesty and vulnerability which I think is a great thing when it comes to relationships. However I also know who my audience is and I know that there are many, many women who listen to this podcast who are coming out of very toxic relationships, so as you listen to this podcast just wanted to be very discerning in the relationships that you allow yourself to be vulnerable in this way where you are going to own the truth in every situation. Okay?
Because when you tell yourself the truth and I mean the whole truth about things, and seeing things from all sides, not just the side that sounds good or pretty or makes you come off in a good light or that is most obvious to you – that kind of truth takes real vulnerability. It takes humility. It takes courage. It takes even competence in some ways and I can feel very uncomfortable at times. But I believe being real and owning the truth is where relationships flourish and grow and with vulnerability comes true connection. So as I am talking about this topic in today’s podcast I’m going to be talking about owning the truth as a tool to strengthen your bond and your connection and your relationship with yourself. Because I think, you know like this. I believe that your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship that you have in your life and so of course when I want you to be vulnerable and honest it starts with doing that with yourself. And that starts with owning the truth about situations in your life. I am going to teach you how to do that today through many examples.
Are you vulnerable with yourself? Do you tell yourself the truth about what’s going on in your heart? Are you honest with yourself about what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way? And do you allow yourself to feel that way? What do you tell yourself that you are wrong for feeling that way? These are the kinds of things I hope that you will examine for yourself as a way of deepening that connection with yourself.
Now I do have a little warning that I want to make very clear here. When I say, own the truth or tell yourself the truth or be honest, I am not talking about - everyone listen up I am not talking about beating yourself up or using this as an excuse to judge yourself, put yourself down; criticize yourself in the name of “well I’m just being honest”. That is not what I’m talking about. And you do not have my permission to use this tool against yourself in that way. Okay? So just keep that in mind as I teach you this technique.
So let me give you an example of what I mean when I say own the truth, for yourself, to create a deeper connection with you. For example, if my daughter said to me, “You never let me watch Sponge Bob as a kid. I had to go behind your back to watch it because I knew you’d get mad if you found out and now I feel like I have to hide everything from you.” I could come away from that conversation feeling very defensive, angry, upset even. I might be saying things in my head like, her hiding things from me has nothing to do with me not letting her watch Sponge Bob as a child. She’s so wrong. I am a good mom. I didn’t want her to watch things that were inappropriate and I believed that show was inappropriate for a child. I can’t believe she’s blaming me for her lying and hiding things behind my back.
So that is the example. Now I use this example because my kids and I have this joke that I – they call me SpongeBob mom because when they were younger I would not let them watch SpongeBob so to us it’s a funny joke. We laugh about it. So but I did tweak this example. It’s not a real thing but is like kind of the example that I want to give of what we do to ourselves when someone says something to us and how we take it. Right. We can see one side of things.
So in this example let’s tease out the truth that is already there and then I want to teach you how to own the truth of everything else that is in there. The parts that we are pretending aren’t actually true.
So the truth that’s already there is I believed it was inappropriate for children to watch SpongeBob. I was doing what I thought was best for my child. I believed in that moment that I was showing up as a good mom. As a kind of mom that it wanted to be. That is all true. But then there is more truth that I can step up and own. And this is the part where if I’m willing to own this part all of the defensiveness, all the anger, all of the resentment that I am feeling toward my daughter can melt away. And that I am feeling toward myself even, that can all melt away. And this is the power of owning the truth.
The offense is going to disappear and I will reconnect with my whole self and allow myself to accept myself more fully. So the other part that I am pretending is not real or is not there is she’s right. I didn’t let her watch SpongeBob and that did create an environment where in her mind she believed that the only way to watch it was tied it for me. She felt let down and she has a right to feel that way. That is a truth. And it is also true that if she would have told me I would have gotten mad that she had been watching it. All of that is true. And I am going to own it and step into it and accept the full truth as part of me and not get defensive and not get angry and just look at it with curiosity and understanding.
Now again, I’m not going to use owning this truth as a way to beat myself up. Like, I shouldn’t have done that. I was wrong. I’m a terrible human. I’m not a good mom. I messed up. There’s something wrong with me and my parenting and my choices, and wrong and I ruined my child’s life. We’re not doing any of that because that’s not useful. That’s not going to create change. That kind of judgement of myself is going to create disconnection with myself. It’s going to create disconnection with my daughter and I’m not going to have access to the parts of me that wants to show up as the best version of me. That want to show up and make amends if I can. That want to show up and do better the next time around or moving forward. Or just show up with greater understanding if I truly believe that I made the right decision in the moment. And that is totally okay too. Right. I don’t have access to that part of me when I am beating myself up and shaming myself for something that I did. That is why we don’t go to that place of self criticizing.
Owning the truth is being open to seeing things from another perspective than the one that maybe you’re used to or the one that is very obvious to you. Or the one that flares immediately when you hear it. Right. It may even be something that is uncomfortable to look at but once you do and once you own it, all of the so-called power that is held in understanding the other side of the truth, in understanding the whole truth, is diffused and you can soften yourself into acceptance and grace and then decide how you want to move forward from there.
So I had this experience the other day that I want to share with you. And my boyfriend, Tim, is actually really good at helping me to own my truth and see what is going on from many different angles than just the one I’m seeing it from. He is able to do so in such a loving, supportive way and I am really grateful for that and I really love that about him.
We have had an elderly cat, I think I have talked about on this podcast maybe not, but we have had this elderly cat who has kind of been deteriorating in his health over the last few months. On this specific day our cat died and I was feeling an immense amount of sadness, and pain and grief. I recognized that part of my truth. I recognize that part of my truth was that I loved this cat. He was pure love, pure joy. All he wanted to do was give his love and snuggle to everyone who was around him. I missed that and I missed his presence. So of course I was feeling that sorrow and that grief. And I was owning a part of my truth and really was trying to work through and feel and allow that grief to surface.
But on top of that grief I was also feeling very overwhelmed and I was feeling deeper pain and I couldn’t explain why. It was like pain and grief and then I was feeling this suffering, just this deep suffering that I couldn’t explain. And Tim is there and he’s comforting me as best he can and he pointed out that much of my suffering was also coming from knowing that I was going to have to tell my daughter and my son, but mostly my daughter, she was one that he was heavy in my mind that day that her baby, her kitty, her best buddy had passed away and I was just feeling anxiety and panic knowing the pain this news would cause her as well. That was the whole truth. I was pretending and I was pushing it down and I was resisting feeling those emotions and feeling that pain and feeling the fear that conversation. I was not owning all of that truth.
I was allowing myself to feel my own grief and I was also feeling the anxiety and panic with major resistance about the conversation that I was going to have to have. But I had only been focusing on half of the truth and kind of lying to myself and resisting the other half of the truth and that is where so much of my suffering was coming from. And it was keeping me from being able to really calm my nervous system and center myself and get to a place where I could really open myself up and allow myself to process through these heavy emotions that I was feeling.
Because I was resisting that part of it and not wanting to face it or tell myself the truth about I wasn’t able to fully open myself up to processing the grief and allowing to flow through me. And I was also closing myself off from being able to take care of myself and create a safe space where I could mourn. I was damming up my emotional flow by resisting the whole truth.
And once I was able to own that whole truth and own that I was scared about this conversation and I was feeling so much pain and anxiety for my daughter and what she was going to feel, I was able to do some exercises to grandma nervous system and that is when I felt peace and acceptance of myself and where I was at and I was able to step up and hold myself and take care of myself in ways that I hadn’t been before owning the whole truth.
And this is what happened. This is what allowed me to be able to do. I knew I had to have this conversation with my daughter and once I owned everything that was going on I knew that I did not want to go into having this conversation with my daughter with anxiety and worry. And so owning this truth allowed me to let go of the fear and really step into what is the truth about this whole situation? Is she going to be sad? Yes. Of course. That is the truth. And as many of you know, my daughter is clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression and so that also was heavy on my heart and my worry. And so again I had to own the truth about that. Will she be able to handle this? Maybe and maybe not. But if it becomes too much for her to handle she has me as her mom. I am her mom for a reason. She also has a therapist and her psychiatrist. She has her medications. She has a very strong family unit. She has such good friends and such a good friend unit as well that I knew with all of this support no matter what her reaction was she was going to be okay whatever that looked like for her because we were there to support and help her in ways that she would need. And with that thought not truth in my head I was able to go into this conversation showing up as a mom that I wanted to be who showed up with compassion and love and then showing up at the love and support to my kids in the ways that they needed and to myself in the way that I needed.
So I kind of want you to ask yourself where can you own the truth in your life right now? Are there things that you are glossing over or only looking at from one side with resistance to what the whole truth might be, and that resistance might be there because of fear. I might be there because of worry. It might be there because your nervous system is activated and you are hitting a fight or flight mode. It might be there because you will make that truth mean something bad about you or make it mean that there is something wrong with you. Maybe the answer to this question is, yes, there is something I have been glossing over or there are many things that I have been glossing over and once you recognize that that is when you can start to get curious about what it is and why you have not allowed yourself to on the truth. What are you making me about you? What is the fear about? What is the anxiety about? Are you turning to a fight or flight or freeze mode and if so what is that holding you back from? And maybe through questioning the answer to these questions will be no. I am telling myself the whole truth and I am supporting myself in the way that I need and that also is going to deepen your understanding of what your truth is and your acceptance of your whole self.
There are many common themes that show up when I’m coaching my clients. So may of my clients come to me in a struggle with many of the same things. These are some things that you might want to get curious about as well. So I am going to list out some of those and if any are resonant with you be open to getting serious and start questioning is there anywhere in this where I am not owning the whole truth? Where I am not owning the truth of the situation? And if so what is the whole truth and how can I lovingly step into acceptance of that truth?
Alright so here are some of the common themes. Your role in the completion of your marriage. Creating struggle and pain for your kids because of the divorce. Not leaving your marriage sooner. Loneliness in and out of marriage. Feeling unhappy in and out of marriage. Being selfish in your decisions. Or something else that may be coming up for you right now.
The more willing you are to question and get curious about the different perspectives that you can see and question whether or not you are owning the truth, whether or not you are resisting seeing things from a different angle, that is all truly going to help you deepen your connection to yourself and that is the ultimate goal is to truly create and accept and love yourself for who you are, right now in this moment.
Alright my friends think you so much for being here. I will be back next week.
If you like what you’re learning on the podcast and you’re ready to create lasting change and results in your life then you need to be working 1:1 with Karin as your divorce coach. This is where we take everything you’re learning in the podcast and 10x it with implementation and weekly coaching where you start to see change in yourself and your life immediately. To find out more about how work exclusively with Karin go to www.karinnelsoncoaching.com . That’s www dot Karin nelson coaching dot com.
Thanks for listening. If this podcast episode agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give it a rating wherever you listen to podcasts. And for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure to check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.