Do you find yourself spinning in thoughts of worst case scenario after divorce? Do you try to anticipate all of things that could go wrong and try to figure out a way to stop it all from happening? In this episode you will learn to unlock the secret to stopping the cycle of catastrophic thinking.
Imagine yourself navigating the storm of intrusive thoughts and worst-case scenarios with understanding, grace and resilience. Join me as I offer insights into how our brains, wired for survival, can sometimes become our worst enemy, amplifying stress, worry and anxiety. You will learn to identify these mental traps, understand their impact on your emotional and physical well-being, and discover effective strategies to regain control over your physical, mental and emotional state.
You will learn:
Why you turn to catastrophic thinking - and how to normalize that it's happening for a reason.
How to stop the relentless cycle of worry by embracing the power of the present moment.
To explore practical techniques to ground yourself in everyday activities, turning present moments into anchors of calm and clarity.
To turn to self-compassion to transform your anxiety, worry and stress into neutrality, emotional acceptance and grace.
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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
When you're going through a divorce, sometimes what you want most is a giant hug from somebody who's been through it and knows exactly what you're going through. And that hug can be a lot of different things. It can be support, a listening ear, somebody to tell you how to do things, somebody to just tell you that you're not going crazy and that you're going to be okay. And it can also mean that you are looking for someone to help you deal with all of the mental and emotional stress that you're feeling as you go through your divorce. Well, guess what? This podcast Becoming you Again is all of that. I'm your host, karin Nelson, and you are listening to episode number 188. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, today we're going to be talking about catastrophic thinking and how to kind of not do that anymore, or at least become aware that you're actually doing it. Another word for catastrophic thinking is like intrusive thoughts. Maybe if you go to therapy or you've had therapy in the past, your therapist said you have intrusive thoughts or you've heard that before. But catastrophizing thinking, in the worst case scenario, is the same as intrusive thoughts. They're thoughts that just come in and kind of take over your brain and you spin out and you become very anxious or worried about what is going to happen in the future, or sometimes even like what happened in the past and you want to go back and change the past. Either way, whatever happens, in this podcast today you are going to learn basically what catastrophic thinking is, basically what catastrophic thinking is, how to know if you're doing it and then what you can do to get yourself to pull yourself out of this way of thinking. Because I can promise you this if you are finding yourself spinning out in these scenarios in your brain of worst case scenario over and over again, I am sure that you do not feel good inside your body, inside your mind, that there's a lot of probably negative self-talk, there's a lot of beating yourself up, there's a lot of feeling very up. There's a lot of feeling very tense and tight in your body because of the worry, because of the anxiety, because of the fear and the uncertainty. So let me help you and guide you through this way of thinking so that you can first become aware that you're doing it and then pull yourself out of it when it starts happening, because I'm not telling you that you're going to never think catastrophically again. You still might, but the goal is to be able to pull yourself out of it quicker so that you don't have to feel so terrible all the time.
Catastrophic thinking very common as you're going through a divorce, maybe even after you're divorced. And again it kind of goes back to this idea of looking at the future and there's a lot of uncertainty with our future. We already know this, right, we don't know what the future is going to look like. Nobody knows what the future is actually going to look like, and so our brain does this thing where it's like, oh, let me just tell you what I think is going to happen, based on past events or based on things I've seen in movies or I've read about. And so when you go through a divorce, and if you've never gone through a divorce, or maybe if you have gone through a divorce either way, your brain is like okay, let's just take this and let's think about what could possibly happen in the future. And then, because our brains have a negative bias naturally all of our brains have been predisposed to have a negative bias, because back in the day and by back in the day I mean like thousands and thousands of years ago, back in the day, I mean like thousands and thousands of years ago back in the day that negative bias really served us. It really helped us decipher between what was safe and what could potentially mean a threat to our survival, and so we're constantly scanning for the negative. Well, through evolution and time, that part of our brain has biologically been passed down in our DNA, so we still carry that part of our brain. It serves a purpose for us.
In certain moments, however, when we're just sitting around you know, washing the dishes and our brain goes to worst case scenario because it's scanning for the negative of what could possibly happen after the divorce or during the divorce proceedings, it's going to tell you a whole bunch of shit that you really have no idea is actually going to happen, and then you start to freak out, and then you start to believe that your life is ruined, that your kids' lives are ruined, they'll never be the same, that they'll never have a good relationship because of the example that you gave them, that you'll never financially be on a good footing again. Whether you're the one who makes the money, whether you're the one who's getting alimony, whether you've worked outside of the home for a long time or haven't worked for years, doesn't matter. Our brain takes all of the bad things and builds them up and tells you that you're doomed. And it feels terrible. But I want you to understand one thing it's not just divorce that our brain wants to catastrophize about. That just might be the main focus where your brain is going right now, because that's what you're in. But our brain does this over all sorts of different things, and it's always over things that are out of our control. So things like sickness or death or accidents, weather events like hurricanes and tornadoes and really bad winter storms, war, political outcomes, like all sorts of different things. Our brain will go to the worst case scenario and it causes so much fear and stress and anxiety in us that let's work on getting you out of this.
So how do we know, first of all, if you are in catastrophic thinking. If you're catastrophizing, right, how do we know? Well, there's a couple of ways. First, I want you to pay attention to your body. Very often, we first want to pay attention to our brain and our thoughts. However, sometimes we don't actually notice that we're having these thoughts. Sometimes we don't even know that they're happening because we're not aware that our brain is just constantly spitting out thoughts all the time. Most of the time we're not even aware of our thoughts, because if we were, we would be going literally crazy. We couldn't get anything done. But our brain is just feeding us these thoughts and they just come out of nowhere sometimes, and so sometimes we don't even realize what's happening.
So the first thing I want you to do is start to pay attention to your body, and when you start to notice I'm feeling very tense, I'm feeling tightness, I have feelings of constriction, I'm feeling worried, I'm feeling stressed, I'm feeling anxious, or you're having physical sensations like an increased heart rate is a very good indicator. Elevated body temperature and you know you're not sick, right. Perspiration that just comes on out of nowhere and listen, ladies, if you're going through perimenopause, I feel you. We're not talking about the hormonal changes, because I very often have perspiration and elevated temperature changes. It just comes on out of nowhere, it just shows up. However, you just might have to decipher between okay, is this my hormones, or am I actually feeling tight and anxious somewhere in my body? And if so, why is that? Start to pay attention to your body and what it's telling you, because our bodies are trying to tell us things all the time, and the more connected we are to our body, the better we are at healing. So you might notice like a tightness in your shoulders, or you might notice your shoulders kind of hiking up toward your ears. I do that when I am feeling nervous, when I'm feeling stressed, I can just like feel my shoulders raise up to my ears, because I just keep all of the tightness in my shoulders and my neck.
But a really good example of this is a few years ago, and this was after my divorce. This was about something else that was very stressful and a difficult thing that me and my family was going through. We had a very difficult decision that we had to make and I was so enveloped in catastrophic thinking. Anytime I would think about this decision and what the possible outcomes would be if I went one way or another way and it felt so terrible. And anytime I would think in this way and I would find myself like with this cloud of intrusive thoughts in my head, I would get a red, blotchy rash all over my chest. This has never happened before that and this has never happened again. So I truly know that it was because the catastrophic thinking was taking me to the absolute depths of despair and sadness and grief and fear that my body was having a reaction that it's never had before.
So just start to notice your body and start to question is this my hormones? Is this just regular everyday stress, or is it possibly something else? Because if you start to notice the changes in your body, the rise in your heart rate, the worry, the anxiety showing up in your gut or whatever it is right Then you can start to notice what the thoughts are, where the thoughts are coming from, what they're telling you. You also might notice ruminating thoughts. Now, ruminating thoughts are thoughts that you just have over and over and over and you just can't stop thinking about it and you just spin and you have one thought and it takes you to the next thought. That kind of takes you deeper down the rabbit hole of despair and terror and fear, right? So you might notice ruminating thoughts coming up and then you might notice those sensations in your body.
Here's the thing about catastrophic thinking. It always and I'm going to capitalize all of the letters in, always, because I really want to emphasize this for you it always happens in your mind. It never, ever, ever happens in the present moment and it will never happen in the present moment, because it is actually always rooted in thoughts about a future outcome that is unknown, or trying to change something in the past that cannot be changed, because we all know we can't change the past, right, how many of us wish we could. Sometimes it might be nice, maybe. We cannot change the past, we have no idea what the future is, and so that those catastrophic thoughts take hold in the future or in the past, it never, ever happens when you are just present in the moment.
And the thing about catastrophic thoughts is they feel very, very real, even though they're all happening in our head, right, even though we're kind of just making up this story of what we think is going to happen. It feels so real. It feels like we just know, like this is the only thing that could possibly happen, and so we better worry about it, because it's for sure going to happen. Right, it feels very real. It's almost like this 3D thing going on in our brain and we just feel it, which is why we get that rush of adrenaline or fast heartbeat or anxiety or worry or tenseness in our bodies, because our brain is like this is definitely happening, this is definitely going on and it just like releases chemicals and sensations into our body and we feel it and it feels very real.
And it's in these moments where this is happening where your brain is literally like listen, it's like it's really good at kind of playing a trick on you, but your brain doesn't know what's playing a trick on you. Okay, brain doesn't know what's playing a trick on you? Okay, I don't want you to blame your brain. Your brain is functioning properly. Remember, we're going back to that idea of, like thousands of years ago keeping you safe. Your brain is trying to keep you safe. In a way. It's just doing it in a way that's not really serving you very good anymore. That's why we want to be aware of it. But basically, in these moments, your brain is like listen, this thing that's going to happen in the future that we're pretty positive is going to happen in the future. If you worry about it and if you stress about it and if you think about it more, then you're probably going to be able to change it or change the outcome or solve the problem. So let's just keep thinking about it and keep worrying about it and keep stressing over it. But you got to remember in those moments that that is a mind trick.
Your brain is, it's kind of lying to you in those moments. If we want to just be real, because we have no control over these situations, we have no control over the future. We have no control, especially if it includes someone else. And so if we're talking about, like a divorce, right, if we're talking about the divorce decree how much time you get, how much money you get, what your life is going to look like after the divorce, any of those things, that includes a lot of other people and moving parts and pieces that we have no control over but our brain is like, oh no, even though you think you don't have control, you do. You can definitely think about this a lot and come up with some kind of solution, but it's a lie. It's a lie.
I tell my clients this it's almost like when we worry about the future and we try and come up with some kind of solution. But it's a lie. It's a lie. I tell my clients this it's almost like when we worry about the future and we try and come up with some solution to something that hasn't happened yet, that we don't even know is for sure going to happen, but we think we know right. When we try and do that, it's almost like we're trying to put together a 500 piece puzzle and we only have 10 of the pieces and we're like okay, where do these pieces fit? Let me try and put this together. However, we're missing like 95% of the pieces. So there's no way to solve that puzzle or solve that problem because we don't even know what the pieces are that go into it to be able to solve it.
We can only actually solve for things that are happening right now. We can only actually feel and work through and process things that are happening right now, because there is no amount of worry or stress or anxiety that you can do that will affect the outcomes of things that are out of your control. There just isn't, and I hope that you take that as good news, because that might release the pressure of feeling like you have to worry about this or you have to stress about this or you have to feel scared about this. Because if the reality is you don't, we can only do what we can do and we can only respond in the present moment. We can't respond to the future because it hasn't happened yet and we can't respond to the past because it's a memory and we can't change it. We can only do what we can do and only respond in the present moment. Now again, I don't want you to go and blame yourself that this is happening when you start to notice it. That's not where we're going.
We never want to step into self-blame, especially when it comes to our brain, because our brain is again. It's functioning in the way that it was, it's supposed to that. It's like an old program, like, think about computer programs. Right, it's like an old program that's been running and, running and running and it just hasn't been updated to the new program. Well, we want to become aware of what's happening so that we can update our brain with new information and go, listen, brain. Thank you so much for trying to protect me. I get it. I understand that you're, you think this is a protective, but it's actually creating a lot of like pain for me and it's not actually helping me. So thank you for trying to protect me. I know you're not trying to do it intentionally, but also I have another way, and that way is what I'm going to talk about next.
We first want to ground ourself in the present moment because, again, we can only respond in the present and, in reality, most likely when your brain is going into catastrophic thinking. Whatever you're doing in the present moment that that's happening, it's probably actually pretty boring. And so, if you can come back to the present moment, like I'm listening to this podcast, I'm driving my kids to school, I'm washing the dishes, I'm driving to work, I'm sitting at my computer looking at the computer screen those are all pretty basic, boring, everyday things, right. Catastrophic thinking is like doom, death, fear, the worst. All of it's terrible. It feels like a scary movie, right, or a dramatic or an action-packed movie that we watch, because we at times enjoy those feelings and those emotions. But we also know, when we're watching a movie, that it's fake, that it's not actually going to happen.
And so we want to be able to remember or realize, when our brain is taking us to catastrophic thinking, that that's also not real. And the way we do that is we bring it back to the present moment. So we want to turn to grounding exercises or somatic practices. Now I talk about this a lot. I think the last few episodes of my podcast I've talked about first turning to a grounding practice or a somatic exercise, like over and over and over again. It's like the first piece of advice that I will give you, because what a somatic practice does and that basic somatic just means body, it means you're paying attention to your body, and grounding just means bringing you to the present moment. So we're bringing our body into the present, we're recognizing that we are here now, not in the future, not in the past. We are here now and we are present with it. We're aware that that's happening. So bring yourself to the here and now, because that is where catastrophic thinking goes to die. Basically, it's not going to happen in the here and now, because it's boring here, right?
So if I were going to just pull out a very quick, easy, bring myself to the present moment, start to notice things around you and start to name them. Oh, my computer screen is in front of me. I see words. There's a door to my right that's open. I see the staircase. The light is on in the kitchen. I can see it shining. My cat is behind me purring on the floor Like bring yourself to the present, start to notice what's happening.
That's going to pull you out of your brain. It's going to help realign your nervous system, which is what somatic practices do and grounding practices. We're going to realign our nervous system, get it more to a baseline or at least to feel a little bit better. Take it a little bit out of that worry, that anxiety, that fight, flight or freeze mode and just breathe. Breathe through some of that fear and anxiety and let it go, let it dissipate from you, start to feel comfortable with being bored, because, again, when we're in the present moment, very often one of the reasons we feel very safe in the present moment is because it's pretty boring.
Typically. Now, obviously, if you're in your present moment and you are not safe, then get to a place where you are safe, like physically safe or emotionally safe. Go lock yourself in the bathroom, leave the house, do whatever you need to do, but for the most part, most of us, when we come back to the present moment, we are actually very safe and we got to remind ourselves of that and that safety is maybe kind of boring and there's nothing wrong with boring. I think we've been told this lie that like being bored or boring or living a boring life or whatever. Right, there's something wrong with that and we shouldn't seek for that. But that is truly where we can find emotional safety. And I'm not saying you have to go. You have to change your life if you love adventure and all that. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying allow yourself to feel comfortable in the boring. If that's what's happening in your present moment and it feels safe and real, let that be, it's okay.
So be here in the now and then give yourself some compassion, like remember what I just told you about talking to your brain and letting it know. Like thank you for trying to protect me, but also it's not really an effective use anymore. We don't want to beat ourselves up. We don't want to turn to. You're so stupid brain, I hate you. Why do you always do this to me? You're the worst. You always make me feel like shit and like why do you always have to feed me these thoughts and it's. I just wish they would stop and I hate myself so much, I'm so broken, like whatever. Right, I don't know what your brain is telling you, but it might be similar to some of those thoughts, because I've had some of those thoughts and my clients have some of those thoughts but it's not useful. It feels terrible, we beat ourselves up and it's just like an added layer of suffering that is unnecessary.
So in these moments, when we come back to the present and we recognize what our brain is doing and our body is starting to relax and realign, we want to turn to self-compassion. We want to be like brain. Thank you, I actually do love you. You serve a very great purpose in my life, but the way you're doing it is not helpful. So I'm just going to breathe, I'm going to be present in this moment and then I'm going to try some new thoughts and you can try some kind of really neutral thoughts that are just maybe about the feelings, like the worry, the anxiety, the fear you can just remind yourself, like this feeling that I have right now.
It's not a problem or it's okay for me to be feeling worry or anxiety or stress. My survival in this moment is not threatened. Or just remind yourself like this feeling that I have is being caused by those catastrophic thoughts, and I can change them at any time, or nothing has gone wrong here, because I know I'm safe in this moment. Or just remind yourself like this feeling and these thoughts are temporary, anything like that. Or you can literally go to what it is that your mind is worried about and come up with some kind of neutral thought that gets you to feeling a little bit better about what the future holds, because, again, we don't know. So you could say something like even though this future outcome feels very true, it's not an indication that it's actually true or that it's actually going to happen or something else that comes to mind.
But either way, to break this cycle of catastrophic thinking, we first have to be aware that it's happening, and one way to do that is to check in on our body. Another way to do that is to recognize when we have maybe ruminating thoughts and then pull ourselves out of it. We ground ourselves, we do a somatic practice, we get back to the here and now, we breathe, we allow the emotion to be there and then we feed ourselves some new thoughts. This is how we get out of catastrophic thinking. We may not be able to break the cycle forever, but we may be able to break it in some of those really intense moments when we just need a break. You deserve this, you are worth this. It might take some practice, that's okay. There's no race that we're trying to win here. It's just your life, and we're just trying to do a little bit each day.
All right, my friends, I hope that this is helpful. I love you. If you are finding this podcast helpful, I would ask you to, please, if you know somebody who needs to hear this stuff, whether they're going through a divorce they've gone through a divorce or maybe they're just really struggling with their own life in whatever way, and they just need that giant hug of guidance and love and support Text that person that you've got on your mind right now this episode send it to them and say listen, I think this could really help you. Here you go, I love you, you're welcome. So do that right now and then go work on breaking the cycle of your catastrophic thinking. As always, I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening.
I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N-Coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.
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