How often have you made choices and decisions based off of what someone else might think? If you're like me, that happens pretty often. In this episode I'll teach you about the mirror effect of perceived society judgment. You'll discover the transformative power of self-acceptance and confidence as you learn to overcome rejection and self-judgment.
You'll learn the key to being able to not care what others think of you and how our own self-judgments often shapes how we perceive the opinions of others, and how understanding this can help us reduce the emotional toll we bring on ourselves.
In this episode, we take on greater self-love by tackling our internal fears and insecurities and shifting our focus from societal expectations to internal acceptance.
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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
When you're going through a divorce, sometimes what you want most is that giant hug from somebody who's been through it and knows exactly what you're going through. Well, becoming you Again is that giant hug that you've been looking for. You are listening to episode 185, and I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married I'm your host, karin Nelson than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson.
This week I am talking about the mirror effect of what other people are thinking about us. Raise your hand. If you have ever worried about what other people are thinking about you. Yeah, is your hand raised? Because I know mine is. This is a very normal, natural thing that we do as humans, right? We worry about what other people are thinking of us. We get anxiety over it. We want to be accepted by other people. We want them to think good things about us. We want them to validate us. We want to be encircled into that community, that network of friends. We want to be accepted and especially after divorce like this can feel like one of the most prevalent things on your mind after divorce, because often we feel a lot of rejection after divorce.
Whether you were the one who left or you were the one who was left, there's still rejection in many different forms and rejection doesn't feel good, right, it feels pretty terrible. Now, of course, there are biological reasons that have been passed on from generation to generation of why we feel this way. We used to be made up of tribes and of communities and if we weren't accepted, that meant we were rejected, that meant we were kicked out. And what did that mean back in the day of tribes and communities and cavemen and all of that? It most likely meant you were not going to survive. And also I mean in today's day and age, let's be real you may also have struggled with your social acceptance in friend networks, with bullying, with being looked at differently because of your divorce. I mean, I grew up Mormon. I've talked about this many, many times, but Mormons don't get divorced. Very often it's not socially accepted in the Mormon community. You're together forever on earth and all eternity.
So getting a divorce in a Mormon community can feel very much like rejection, can feel very much like you've done something wrong feel very much like rejection. Can feel very much like you've done something wrong. You're kicked out, your emotional survival is threatened in this moment, and those things can be the root cause of why we care so deeply about what other people think of us. However and this is what I really want you to understand when it comes to being able to let go of what other people think about you Because, ultimately, when we feel that worry and that anxiety over what other people are thinking about us, that can always, always, always, be traced back to our thoughts about ourselves, about what we're thinking and believing about us inherently, about the kind of person that we are, about what makes us good or bad, worthy, valuable all of that. When you feel anxious or worried or concerned about what other people are thinking about you, you are actually feeling worried or anxious or concerned about your own thoughts about yourself, and then you project those thoughts onto what those people might be thinking about you. This can happen subconsciously or consciously. You might know that this is happening and you also might not know. So I want to point it out to you if this is what's going on for you, so that you can take some steps if you want to change the way you think about yourself. Because when we imagine what other people are thinking of us, we project what we are already thinking about ourselves onto that person Now don't get me wrong here about ourselves onto that person. Now don't get me wrong here. This doesn't necessarily mean that what we're already thinking about ourselves those other people aren't also thinking. Sometimes it may mean that and sometimes it may not mean that, but what they are thinking about us doesn't actually truly affect us, because it's always what we are thinking about ourselves, because we only truly have access to our own brain, our own mind and the thoughts that are going on inside there. And also this is what's really interesting we only actually care about what other people might be thinking about us when it's something that we also think about ourselves, but we judge ourselves for it, like we judge ourselves for being bad or wrong because of this thing. We only care about what that person might be thinking when we've made it a negative thing about us, and then we judge ourselves for it. So let me give you some examples.
I don't care if people judge me about not being married to my current partner. This is not a big deal for me. I don't make us not being married mean that I am less worthy, that I'm less valuable, that there's something wrong with me, that I'm making a bad choice, that I can't be happy, like. I don't make us not being married mean any of those things about myself. And so if people judge me for not being married, I don't care. And because I don't worry about that, because I'm not anxious about it in my own head, I don't ever go into situations meeting someone or having a conversation with someone, even if they tell me, if they outright tell me, I think you should get married, I think you're doing something wrong. I don't agree with this idea of you not being married to your current partner. Like, even if they tell me that, I don't get offended, I don't get upset, I don't worry about it, I don't think about it, I don't think they don't like me because of it, like, none of that, because I don't care. I don't have a problem with me not being married.
The only time we make things a problem and we start to get anxious about them and we worry about them is when we actually believe that that thing, that someone might be thinking about us or is thinking about us, makes us wrong or bad. And again, that's because you are also thinking that way about yourself. So another example of me not caring I have curly hair. I've had it my entire life, with my hormones, when I was a kid and when I got pregnant it got even more curly. I love my curly hair. So if somebody is like ugh, your hair is so ugly, or I can't believe you have curly hair, why don't you ever straighten it? Or like whatever right, I don't care, because I really love my curly hair. I think it's beautiful, amazing, incredible. And so it doesn't like cause me to think and worry and stew and oh no, because I just it's not a problem to me. I just think like okay, we just have a differing opinion.
However, there are definitely things that I think about myself that I struggle with and I project those thoughts onto other people that they might be thinking about me. You know, when I go out to social situations I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and I've gained some weight over the last little bit I definitely struggle with my weight and with my body image, and so I had some initial thoughts going to this wedding, thinking oh no, are people going to make comments about my weight? Are they thinking, oh my gosh, she's gotten so much bigger? Oh my gosh, what's going on? What's wrong with her? She's so unhealthy I can't believe she's let herself go Like, whatever right. Whatever these thoughts that I'm thinking, all of these people must be thinking about me. It's because I think those things about myself. It's because I worry about those things about myself and I'm working on it. I'm working on having more body acceptance. I'm working on loving myself as I am, rather than worrying so much about the way I look to other people or what other people might be thinking about me. But it's not the other people. They might be thinking those things and they might not. It's not them that's projecting that onto me. It's myself projecting it onto them.
And this can happen with divorce. This can happen with thoughts about what your family looks like. This can happen with thoughts about who you are because you were divorced, who you are as a single person now, like there's a myriad of thoughts that you might be struggling with when it comes to who you are your value, your worth, what's going on in your life so many different areas and the ones that you feel confident in, the ones that don't bother you, the ones that you love about yourself, are the ones that you're not worried about, are the ones that you're not projecting onto other people. It's those ones that you really struggle with. Those are the ones we want to take a look at, because the way you resolve letting go of worrying about what other people think about you isn't to just believe that everyone loves you no matter what, or that everyone is always thinking amazing thoughts about you, or that everyone will like you just for you being you, because that's not necessarily true. Right, the way to resolve worrying about what other people think about you is to actually work on your relationship with yourself. It is to create more self-love, it is to get to know yourself better and to have more self-acceptance, because by doing that, you will create less negative thoughts about yourself. You will have less negative thoughts about yourself. You will believe less negative things about yourself or just accept the flaws that you have and not make it mean that there's something bad or wrong or terrible or worthless because of those things. And here's what's really, really cool. We can use our own fears about what other people are thinking about us as like this window into what we actually think about ourselves If we're open to it.
One of my mentors, Kara Loewentheil, said, “You will never get enough social validation to disprove a negative thought or fear you have about yourself." Let me say that again you will never get enough social validation to disprove a negative thought or fear you have about yourself. So what does she mean by that? Basically, you will never have enough people telling you that you're amazing, that you're the best, that you're lovable, that you're worthy, that your kids love you, that the divorce doesn't mean anything about you, any of those things.
You will never get enough people saying that if you continue to believe that those things, whatever they may be, mean something bad about you or mean something is wrong with you. It has to come from the inside. You have to work on changing those thoughts and those beliefs about yourself from the inside. You cannot leave it up to outside validation, because you'll never believe it. You will always shuck it up, shruck it off. You will always discount what they're saying. You will make some excuse as to why it's not true. You will disprove it in some way. Your brain will, like, not let you see the many, many times that something has happened in one direction. It will only let you see the negative stuff. That is why you have to start working on yourself and what's important to you.
So how do you become aware? How do you look through that window, that window of opportunity that we have? You have to start becoming aware of what you think other people are thinking about you. Like, maybe you're thinking those people don't want to hang out with me because I'm single now and they're like a married couple, family, and so they don't want to invite me to their things because there's something wrong with me and my family. Now maybe you're thinking that that is a window of opportunity for you to take a look at. Okay, I'm worried that they think something's wrong with me because I'm a single person. Now, perhaps that actually means I think there's something wrong with me.
And what do I need to work on to start believing something different, to start accepting that maybe it's okay to be a single person. Maybe it's okay that my family looks different. Maybe I'm working on accepting that my life looks different now and it's okay that some people don't want to be around me, right? We don't have to go from those. People don't want to hang out with me because I'm single now and my family looks different to no, everything's fine. Everyone wants to hang out with me. My life is butterflies and rainbows and everything's fine. We're not trying to like lie to ourselves. What we're trying to do is get to a place where we feel confident and accepting of who we are. So what can you think? Instead of worrying the thought of, oh no, those people don't want to hang out with me because I'm single now and my family looks different, what feels a little bit better? It could literally just be.
I'm working on changing the thoughts that there's something wrong with being single and having a family that looks different. I'm working on that. It could be. I'm learning to believe that it's fine to be single. I'm learning to believe that it's fine to be divorced in my forties. I'm working on accepting that my family looks different than others. It can be that simple. What we're looking for is a one to 2% better feeling, because once we get to that, we can then start working on the next thought, the next step to getting to the end goal of what we want to believe that I accept that I'm single and that my family looks different and that my family looks the way it looks and it's totally fine with me and it's not a problem If other people disagree, like that's.
Perhaps I don't know what your goal is, but for me that would be the goal thought to get to. But I'm not going to be able to do that overnight. I'm not going to be able to jump from the one end all the way to the other end of the spectrum. I'm going to take some baby steps along the way with some baby thoughts and begin to work on believing those, so that I can let go of this pressure that I'm holding on myself of needing or wanting to be accepted and loved by everyone. What we really want is to be accepted and loved by ourselves and let go of needing everyone else to agree. Once you get to that place, you will be so free to live your life any way you want, be who you want, and really lean into that.
And this is, I think, especially important after divorce, because we feel so often like out of sorts, out of place, like no one else understands, and so what we have to work on is accepting ourselves, understanding for ourselves and getting to that place where we love who we are and where we are and where we're headed, and we can slowly just let go of the judgment and the anxiety and the worry that we feel thinking about what other people might be thinking about us. The more love and acceptance we have for ourselves, the less the outside thoughts matter. All right, my friends, that is what I have for you today. I hope that's helpful. I will be back next week.
Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.
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