Can you truly transform your emotional state during a divorce by changing your thoughts? Discover the profound impact of your mental habits and gain control over your emotions in what can often feel like an overwhelming time. Through this episode of "Becoming You Again," we explore the top-down versus bottom-up processes of thought and emotional responses, revealing how awareness of these mechanisms can help you step into your power to manage your well-being.
This episode emphasizes the importance of finding strength within yourself, even when it feels like everything around you is in turmoil. You'll hear real life examples and you'll be guided through practical exercises to transform your emotional responses by rethinking the meanings you assign to others' behaviors. By practicing new, empowering thoughts consistently, you'll reshape your emotional landscape and create greater resilience as you move through your divorce.
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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
This podcast is for the women out there that are going through a divorce or are divorced and are struggling with their mental and emotional needs. This podcast is like a giant hug, letting you know that you are good, your life is going to be better now that you're divorced and you truly have it within you to deal with everything that you're going through. You're listening to Becoming you Again, episode number 179, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, I am so glad that you're here.
Let's jump right into this episode, because I think this one is going to be very useful and helpful to a lot of you, because in this episode, I am going to be talking about how our thoughts often directly impact our feelings, which then has a direct impact on our behavior, and I'm using the words often going to put that in quotes, because, when it comes to our thoughts impacting how we feel, many, many times we will have a feeling and it's like a top-down result, and that means we have a thought and because of that thought, our brain releases chemicals and hormones in response to that thought. That then creates the physical sensations in our body. That are the feelings or the emotions that we're feeling in our body. That are the feelings or the emotions that we're feeling. However, I am a big believer that oftentimes we also experience a bottom-up result, and this is where our body is reacting to experiences, because our nervous system is getting hijacked or heightened and we may feel sensations, we may have intuitive hits or feelings before anything else is happening in our mind, and so I think it's important to understand both the top down and the bottom up approach, and I think it's really important to feel connected to both our brains and our bodies, which is what I talk about all the time on this podcast.
I talk very much about bottom up approaches, where we're really listening to our bodies and getting grounded and understanding our own intuition and our own self-trust, and I also think it's very useful to understand what's happening in our brains and in our thoughts and all of that. So I do think it's very useful to be able to be aware, when possible, of what is happening with your thoughts and how those may be directly affecting how you're feeling and then, because of what you're feeling, how you are behaving and also being aware of what's going on in your body you are behaving, and also being aware of what's going on in your body and how that affects how you think about yourself and that, how that affects the experiences that you have and how that affects how you behave as well. So it was kind of a long explanation of what we're going to be talking about today, but I am going to be talking more specifically about thoughts and how they directly create your feelings and how those feelings directly impact your behavior. And this can be so freaking useful as you go through your divorce, because how you think about things that pertain to you and your experiences and your situations and your ex and your kids and your life, and your ex and your kids and your life and your divorce and anything else will have you feeling a certain way and then, because of that feeling, you're going to show up in a certain way and if you don't like the way you are feeling or the way that you are behaving or the way that you are showing up. Those can be examined and changed, and the reason those can be changed is because how you think and how you feel when you think a certain way and how you behave based off of the way you're feeling is actually very much in your control. I know often it feels like you're out of control, but that's why I'm giving you this podcast that you can understand that you actually are in so much more control than you think about what's happening in your brain, how you're feeling and then behaving because of it, which, let's be real, when you're going through a divorce, there are so many things outside of you that are happening that you're like I have no control over this. This sucks. I fucking hate every second of this. Why won't they just do this thing? Because if they did, then I would feel a certain way. I could get something done, I could whatever. Right, we feel so out of control. So, knowing that you actually have so much more control over things in your life that are going to have you feeling and behaving in a certain way, that's gold, that's amazing. That is like the best news ever, all right.
So often when we go through a divorce, we want to attribute how we are feeling to all of these things that are going on around us. How we are feeling to all of these things that are going on around us, like maybe your ex or your soon to be ex is being a total shithead and you are feeling very angry because of it. Like, listen to me makes total sense, not saying you're doing anything wrong when you're feeling angry over things that your ex is doing or not doing right. Or maybe your kids are acting out or they're ignoring you or they're yelling or snapping at you or just acting totally out of character to who they used to be, and you are so confused and sad and hurt because of it. We so badly want the other people in the situation to just behave, want the other people in the situation to just behave. We think things like well, if my ex wasn't such an asshole, I wouldn't have to deal with this. This divorce would go so much more smooth and I wouldn't feel so angry or stressed out all the time. Or we think, well, if the kids would just talk to me about what's going on, or just calm down or not be so disruptive. Then we'd be able to have a rational conversation. I wouldn't have to get upset or feel hurt all the time, like or something else? Right? We all have these thoughts that are going on all the time and we're feeling feelings all the time that these are all very normal human things and if you are having thoughts that sound like this again, just know it's perfectly normal.
Our brain wants to feel good. It doesn't like to feel bad, because feeling bad to the primitive brain means something has gone wrong, and if something has gone wrong, then death may be imminent. Now, remember that's not true, but our brain thinks that true because the brain equates real danger with emotional danger. They're the same right. Both feel bad. Both must mean our survival is on the line, and that is dangerous. So often when we are feeling bad, we just want to feel good again, and the only way that we can see us being able to do that is for the other person's behavior to change, for them to say sorry, for them to show up in a different way, because our brain associates our bad feeling is coming because of their bad behavior. And at this point, when we're equating, like their bad behavior is what's making me feel shitty. Our brain isn't really aware that there is a thought going on in our brain that is actually the cause of our bad feeling, and this is even true when everyone agrees with us that the other person is being the absolute worst. So let me just give you an example and then I'll kind of talk about solutions of this and how to change your thoughts and how to be aware of your thoughts. Okay, so I'm going to use the example of one of my clients, margo Don't worry, the name has been changed and she has given consent to me at least telling the story.
But Margo was going through a divorce. She absolutely hated her, soon to be ex. He told her that he wanted a divorce. After 25 years of marriage. He moved out, literally almost immediately, and then he would text her at all hours berating her, telling her that she was the cause of the divorce because she was too controlling about spending their money or about how the kids should be raised or about what the house should look like, or this can go here and this can't go there, and he just needed her to know that this whole thing was her fault. He would often talk about how hard his life was when he was living with her and Marco just felt like never once did he recognize how loyal she was and how supportive she had been of his life and his dreams and aspirations and him being able to go after his dream job.
She stayed at home while raising the kids, while he could just go out and build and grow and go to school and do all of the things that created him going after his dream job and having it. She gave up on her own dreams, she gave up on a life outside of the home. She stayed home raising the kids, making sure everyone else was happy, taking care of him and the kids, without any thought about herself and what she might need or want. And so she would get very upset with these texts because she just felt like, first of all, he's just complaining about everything that he sees me as doing wrong and he's not understanding all that I gave up, all that I did for him, and she's hoping for some validation, right. And then Margo would also complain that he would get very upset if she didn't text him back immediately or respond to his emails or other ways of communication when he had questions about the kids, or about bills, or about the divorce or about lawyers or whatever. And then he would further assault her with unkind words and angry texts because she wasn't answering him immediately. Now don't get me wrong.
His behavior was ridiculous, and everyone that Margo talked to or told this to agreed that he was the absolute worst. The absolute worst. Friends told her that she needed to cut off all communication and go through their lawyers. Her mom told her that he was being abusive. Her sisters were worried that all of this stress was causing her health problems. She had gained some weight, and so they would share articles about how to de-stress and how to eat healthier and how to live longer.
And just every time she got a text or a phone call from him, she just felt so angry, so misunderstood, so invalidated. And the thing is is that none of the advice from her family and her friends helped her to feel any less stressed or any less angry or any less hurt. And what was worse was that she couldn't stop thinking about him. She desperately wanted to stop thinking about him. She wanted him to stop taking up space in her brain. She just wanted to forget that he even existed, because maybe then she could just stop feeling so shitty all the time. But instead of forgetting about him, her brain obsessed over him incessantly. She thought about what an asshole he was, about how he never validated her or saw her true essence, about how he was always so rude and so passive, aggressive, and how he completely changed like almost overnight over what kind of a person he was. And so she was constantly focused on the past and what had happened and what she wished she could have changed, and how he was ruining her life right now, and she just felt so powerless to stop it. Margo's brain thought that her ex was the problem in this situation, so much so that her brain was fixated on fixing the problem by thinking about him all the time. He was a problem that needed to be fixed, and so we got to fix it.
So let me just interject something right here, because I think it's worth noting. If you're doing this or if you have done this, where you focus on trying to change the other person's behavior as a way to fix the problem, you are not broken for doing that. There's nothing wrong with you for doing that. Your brain is a problem solving machine. It is actually quite good at solving problems. So it 100% makes sense that if your brain is attributing the problem to someone else's behavior, then it would make sense that your brain would want to try and fix that problem by focusing so much of your brain power on that person and their behaviors and how to resolve that equation. How to solve that equation? So let's go back to the example, with Margo as her coach.
I asked Margo, what do you think your ex should do? How should he be acting? And she said well, he should stop texting me constantly about all the things that he thinks are my fault. He should be willing to split everything 50 50. So the divorce is just much simpler and done with, so that I can move on with my life and he can move on with his life. And I think, I really think, he should recognize all of the hard work that I put into our marriage and our relationship and I really, truly believe that he should tell me that he is grateful for our years together because he was able to create a life that he really loved and I kind of was just left in the dust. He should know that I have a right not to text him back right away and that I too have created a life outside of his needs and it's okay for me to get back to him when it's convenient for me and that when I don't get back to him right away, he shouldn't be so abusive and demanding.
So I said to her okay, let's say your ex does all of those things that you just listed. What do you get to think and feel if he did so? Margo thought for a minute and then she said well, I'd be able to relax, I'd be able to not worry so much about my finances or about how this divorce is going to play out. I'd be able to stop all of the anxiety and the hurt that I'm feeling around the kids and their future and if they're going to be okay and if they're going to be ruined after this, I'd be able to believe that my life will actually be okay maybe even better after the divorce, and that this actually didn't ruin anything. It doesn't mean that I'm a failure. It doesn't mean that I'm not worthy or good enough, but it was maybe actually even a good thing. I'd be able to see that I am good enough just as I am, and I am worthy of being loved and of maybe even loving someone in the future. And so there it is.
Margo had just listed out all of the things that she wanted to feel and all the things that she wanted to think. So the real beauty to seeing all of this is that we get an understanding of number one. Margo's ex is not going to change. He's not going to do any of those things that she wants him to do. Right, he has already shown us who he is. He is going to continue being who he is. So the real work and the real beauty is for Margo to understand what exactly she was making his behavior mean in her head, because once she understands what she's making it mean, then she can decide what she wants to do about it. It mean, then she can decide what she wants to do about it.
So Margo was telling herself that, because of how he was acting, she had no choice other than to feel worried about the divorce, worried about the finances, worried about the kids, worried about their future, anxious that things possibly wouldn't work out, anxious that this divorce would go on forever, anxious that she wasn't worthy, that she would ever be able to love again, anxious that the divorce meant that she wasn't a good person, that she was a failure, anxious and worried that her kids would be ruined, like she was telling herself that, because of the way he was acting and behaving, all of these things were true. But the reality is that Margo's ex doesn't need to change for her to believe any of the things that she listed that she wanted to believe. The real goal was for her to start to think differently about herself, because once she starts to think differently about herself and about the divorce and about her kids and about her future, she would be feeling differently, which would then have a direct impact on her own behavior and on how she shows up in her life. So if you are struggling with this type of thing where you are feeling like everything is out of control and you are constantly focusing on the other person in the situation, you're desperately wishing that they would change or stop doing something so that you could finally feel better, then ask yourself that question that I asked Margo what do you think they should do? Then write all of that down. What should they do? And then ask if they did all of that, what do you get to think and feel? If they did all of that, what do you get to think and feel? And then write all of that down and then your job is to work on changing your own thoughts about yourself so that you can begin to think and feel the way you want without needing someone outside of you to change, because we know that 99.9% of the time they are not going to. And so what's really magical about this is, once you begin to think about yourself differently which then has you feeling differently your own behaviors begin to change and you start showing up in different ways in your life. Change and you start showing up in different ways in your life. So let me share with you an exercise on how you can identify exactly what I've talked about in today's episode, so that you can get to work on thinking and feeling differently, so that you can start behaving differently, because once your behaviors start to change, you start to create new things in your life that you never could have even imagined.
So think about someone you wish would act differently. It can be your ex, it could be a child, it could be your neighbor. My guess is, for most of you, it's probably going to be your ex, right? We all want them to do something different, because they're such assholes and we're so sick of them. We just wish that they would do all the things different, right? Okay? So think about someone you wish would act differently. Write it down. Write down who they are and what you want them to say or do that is different than what they're saying and doing right now. And then, for each thing that you wrote down, follow that up with why you want them to behave in this new way or this different way. Why is it important to you? What do you think you'll feel? Why do you want them to behave differently?
Now I want you to go back and I want you to write down the meaning that you are giving to the person not acting the way you want. What does that mean to you when they don't do this? It means this about me, or it means this about my life, or about my capabilities, or about whatever. Right Now, I just want you to pick one of those thoughts that you wrote down about the meaning that you're giving. How does that thought make you feel when you think it?
Remember, a feeling is typically one word. It's like a description. It's like it makes me feel angry, it makes me feel sad, it makes me feel dejected, it makes me feel embarrassed, it makes me feel stupid, like. What feeling do you feel when you think about that, meaning that you're giving their actions. And then I want you to think about this how do you think you would feel if this person did the things that you wanted them to do, that you wrote down earlier? How would you feel instead?
And then the real key here is what would you need to think so that you can create that emotion for yourself? So, let's say, if this person would change, then I could just finally feel calm. Okay, so what do you need to think so that you can create calm for yourself? Well, I just need to think this divorce is going to work out in my favor. I just need to think this divorce doesn't mean that I'm a failure. Well, I just need to think I'm learning to create calm in my own life, and it has nothing to do with what's going on outside of me, right? So what do you need to think so that you can create that emotion that you're looking for on your own, without needing someone or something outside of you to change?
Write down as many thoughts as you want and then pick one or two that are going to produce the emotion that you're wanting to create, and then you just practice it. Practice, practice, practice, practice saying the new thought. Practice thinking the new thought. Practice when you go through something kind of emotionally strenuous, emotionally hard, emotionally challenging. Practice bringing in the new thought. Practice going to that new thought. Practice believing that new thought, because the more you practice it, the more it is going to create a new neural pathway in your brain and replace the old way of thinking.
All right, my friends, I hope that this was helpful. If you are struggling with your divorce and you want some one-on-one help from me as your coach to help you figure out what you're making these things mean in your life, where to distinguish between if it's a bottom up and you're feeling it in your body and your nervous system it's activated, or if it's actually a thought that's creating the feeling or anything else that we talk about on this podcast to help you as you move through your divorce and create a life outside of that. You can schedule your free consult with me and let's talk more about how to make that your reality. You can go to my website at wwwkarinnelsoncoaching dot com Remember it's Karin with an I or you can click the link in the show notes. All right, my friends, thank you so much for being here. I love you and, of course, as always, I will be back next week.
Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description you.
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