What if trusting yourself was the key to rebuilding a strong, independent life post-divorce? Rediscover the power of self-trust this week as we explore how you can reconnect with your innate confidence and intuition, even amidst the turbulence of life changes. Drawing from my own experiences, I share actionable insights designed to help you remember what your self trust feels like so you can revitalize this crucial skill.
Throughout this journey to rediscover self-trust you will learn to grant yourself the permission to feel good again, challenge the negative thoughts that often cloud your judgment and explore why positive beliefs can feel out of reach. Join me and learn how to rediscover your self trust so you can recognize that feeling moving forward.
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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
You know when you're going through something really hard, like a divorce, and you just wish that you had that thing, that someone, that person who knew exactly what to say and when to say it, that person who knew when you were having a really hard day, when you were going through something very challenging, or when you were just feeling crappy and you didn't know how to not feel that way anymore. And you just wish there was that person who knew how to help you and gave you the support that you needed. Well, this podcast is that for you. This is Becoming you. Again. You are listening to episode 178 and I am your host, karin Nelson, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast this week. How's everyone doing this week? Maybe you're having a great week, maybe you're having a tough week, maybe there's somewhere in between. I know for me we are kind of getting toward the end of summer. Things are winding down. Kids are getting ready to go back to school. My daughter is currently looking for a job in the workforce after she graduated last May, and my son is getting ready to go back to college. My partner's kids are starting school in high school and middle school very soon, and things are just kind of revving up. What is your life looking like? Come and message me over on Instagram at Karin Nelson coaching and let me know. I would love to hear from you.
In this podcast episode, I'm going to be talking about trusting yourself. This is something that I talk about in various ways in various other podcast episodes, and so I really wanted to specifically tackle the topic, because it's one of the most important skills you can learn as you're going through your divorce, after your divorce, and it's the best way to help you reconnect your mind, your body and your intuition, your knowing, your gut feeling. Trusting yourself is something that you have within you right now. It's something that you used to know how to do, and my guess is, if you're like me and every other woman that I've coached, you've forgotten how to do it over the years, and all you need is tools and skills to be able to tap into that knowing again that trust, that feeling, and once you start to recognize it, you will recognize it more and more often, and then you can lean on that trust of yourself to help guide you throughout the rest of your life. It's an incredible skill and I'm so excited to teach you a little bit more about it today.
Trusting yourself starts with being connected to yourself. Now I talk a lot about being connected to yourself, about grounding yourself, about listening to your body, about not believing everything that your brain tells you, about asking yourself what it is that you want or need and then giving yourself permission to have that, to do that. But the interesting thing about trusting yourself is that we are all born knowing how to do this. It is inherent in us. It's almost like you know if you have a cat. Almost like you know if you have a cat and you are litter box training your cat. Nobody teaches the cat how to try and cover their waste. They just know what to do. It's inherent. Or if they see a bird, they make that little bird cat call. I can't do it. I tried. It didn't work that very good, but they're so much better at it than I am. But you know, they make that inherent, like it's in their DNA cat bird call.
Well, trusting for humans is very similar. It is innate. It is our natural way of being. We had to come into this world full of trust, full of trust of those around us. We trusted that if we cried, our needs would be met. Someone would come and take care of us, someone would come and change us, someone would come and feed us. We trusted that that would happen. We had to. There was no other choice. This is how we come into this world, and so this is not something that we need to try to do. It's not something that people are born without, and if you don't have it either, you're just out of luck.
This is a skill that we already have within us. You already have developed it from when you were a little child for several years. It's an innate function of ourselves. We have an innate sense of self when we are born. Just over the years, we have forgotten, and so you just need to remember what it feels like to trust yourself, because, if you think about it, each of us is born with a sense of self. We kind of know who we are. This is how we differentiate between children, right? If you have more than one child, or if you know other children, like if you're an adult and you have seen other children out there, you recognize that not every child is the same, even in the same family, right? We all have different personalities, different senses of self. We have our own wants and our own needs and our own desires, even as little babies, even as little kids. So this is really, really important because I want you to remember that your sense of self is innate and you have the ability to know how to trust that sense of self already. You've done it before in your past. You maybe just don't remember, so we're just going to try and uncover that feeling for you so you remember what it feels like because it is here, that sense of self and that self-trust and knowing how to do it and knowing what it feels like. It's here, it's within you right now. And I wanted to mention that much of what I'm teaching you today was taught to me by Christina Bruce. She's an amazing coach and mentor and I really appreciate her words, and so this is a mix of her training and my own experiences and things that I have gained as a life coach as well own experiences and things that I have gained as a life coach as well.
So what goes into trust? I mean, this probably is not an all encompassing list, right, you could put your. You could add your own things to this list, but some of them might be a sense of safety. When we are trusting, we feel very safe. When we trust, we are following a desire of curiosity. Like, think about kids. They're so trusting and they're so curious and they're just like oh, what if I try this? What if I do this? What's going to happen? Because they don't always know and they might get hurt. Which is why we as parents have to kind of step, step in and start to guide them and say oh, no, no, no, don't touch that hot pan Right, because they're so trusting, they're so curious and they just believe that if they try something out, they're going to figure out what comes next. It's fine that we guide them. That's part of being a human, is learning what is actually safe and what isn't. But kids go for it. They try things out, they want to know. They're very curious.
Trust also is an act of faith. Faith not meaning religious faith, but in a sense like we have to just believe that things are going to work out. We don't know how things are going to work out. We are trusting that they're going to work out, that it's going to be fine, that we're going to figure it out, that we're going to do what needs to be done in the moment that it needs to be done, that we're going to know what to do. We're trusting in that we have an innate sense of our worth. We are born worthy and we trust that knowing we are born worthy and to be trusting is acknowledging that we have worth and that it's full and complete always. And the thing about trust as you get to know it, as you remember what it feels like it feels good, it feels positive, there is a sense of safety to it, it feels open. For me very often, as I've grown to know what my self-trust feels like, it is very peaceful and that is a great feeling.
And when we are trusting, we know our worth enough to ask for what we want and what we need. Kids do this all the time. I mean, how many times have you been to a grocery store with your child or around a child in a grocery store who is saying things like can I have that candy bar? And the mom or you are like, no, we're going to have dinner when we get home, but I really want that candy bar, can I? I mean, how many times do they ask Right, and you have to put a stop to it or say no or ignore or whatever you do or give it to them right? There's lots of options here.
Kids trust to know they're worth enough to ask for what they want or need. So these are important things to understand when it comes to knowing what goes into what actually is trust. So I'm just going to briefly go over how we lose trust because, like I said, we are born trusting and we innocently believe all the things around us, what people tell us. Right? We've got all these people around us parents, neighbors, religious leaders, school teachers, the internet these days, social media, all of the things right and so we are innately like trusting, knowing our worth, believing everything, and that can be good and that can also be bad, because we start to believe what other people tell us, and sometimes they tell us great things and sometimes they don't. Some of those things help us learn Don't touch that hot thing, don't run out into the street in front of a car. You know those things help us learn, those things actually do keep us safe. But then there are other things that we learn and we receive that aren't as helpful, that aren't as useful Things like that's just not possible for you.
Or oh, you actually can't. Well, we just never have enough money for that, so we can't get that. Well, that kind of looks stupid on you, so maybe you should take it off, or don't you think you should cover up? Why are you going out like that? Or definitely don't eat that. That's going to make you fat. Definitely don't wear that. That makes you look fat. Definitely don't do that. You're not qualified, you're not capable, you're not good enough. Right?
We hear these things from all over the place and we start to believe them, which goes against what we kind of know about ourselves that if we try and continue to try or if we go after this thing, we might be able to get it, it might be possible for us. We kind of inherently kind of believe that about ourselves in many different ways, in many different scenarios, depending on our specific sense of self. But we're often told we can't do that, it's not for us, don't go after that, don't believe you can do that, don't even try. You're not good enough, you're not in the right place, that's not for you. There's many iterations of this and we start to distrust what we know inside and we start to believe what we're being told from the outside. That is how we lose track of trusting ourselves and we forget what it actually feels like.
So this loss of trust of ourself happens when we start to believe these outside things, and then our survival kicks in right. We have this survival mechanism within us. That is part of our DNA. It's it's there to help keep us alive, so it's a great thing. However, that survival mechanism is only there to keep us alive, and so these false beliefs of I'm not good enough, I can't be myself, I'm not going to be okay If I try this thing, if I step outside of myself, if I put myself out there, if I go after this thing I want, because I've been told I'm not good enough.
So your survival is like okay, well, we're just not going to do that, because if we do that, it feels terrible and feeling terrible means death to our primitive brain. Right, it can't differentiate between emotional death and real death. It just thinks they're all the same. Emotional death feels terrible, feeling bad, feeling shame, feeling embarrassed, feeling frustrated, feeling angry. All of that feels terrible and it's like oh no, okay, we're not going to do that anymore, because that feels really bad and I don't want to feel that way.
And so we start to believe that things aren't possible, that we're not worthy, and it starts to cloud over on top of what we know to be our sense of self, what we know that feeling of trust of ourself feels like. But our sense of self and our self-trust still exists. It's just being covered by that cloud of false beliefs, of the survival mechanism kicking in. And the thing is is we aren't necessarily aware of these false beliefs of I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy or I'm not doing it right or I need other people to tell me until I can believe it. We're not aware of those things until we become aware of them, which is kind of a catch 22.
Sometimes we have to step into a little bit of self-trust that we've kind of forgotten how to do. We just have to sort of believe and have faith for a minute to start to feel it again. So how do we do that? How do we connect with our self-trust, with our self, with our sense of self, with that feeling? Because self-trust, when we really break it down, it's a feeling inside of us, like I told you, for me it feels just like a wash of peace. It feels so good and so right and so open for me, and so we need to figure out what it feels like for you when you step into that knowing. So.
There's a couple ways you can try and tap into this. First, you can try and remember what it felt like when you were a kid. Remember when you were young or when you felt open and trusting with something about yourself, a decision that you made, a question that you asked, something that you got curious about. Try and remember a time where you felt positive, open, soft, knowing, capable, and try and figure out what that felt like. Describe it to yourself. If you can not, all of us can remember way back when, or a time when we've done that recently. So give it a try. That's what we want to do. Is we want to tap into that feeling right?
One of the things that I think is really important about tapping into our self-trust feeling is we need to give ourselves permission to do it. This was huge for me when I was going through my divorce. I've told this story so so many times about giving myself permission, but that was one of the things that I was missing in my life was permission for myself to live, to be, to enjoy, to have fun, to let go, to say yes when I wanted when I typically would say no to do any of those things right. I I never gave myself permission. I was either too scared, probably because my survival mechanism was kicking in, I was afraid that I wasn't worthy enough, I was afraid that I wasn't good enough and I didn't deserve it, or whatever.
And so, in order to open up to that feeling of what self-trust feels like within you, you have to give yourself permission to feel good. It's okay to feel good. You don't always have to feel negative. You don't always have to feel bad. You don't always have to be complaining about something or looking at the other person and comparing yourself. You don't always have to be doing that. It's okay to feel good. I'm giving you permission. Now it's your turn to give yourself permission, because once you open yourself up to the idea that it's okay to feel good, then your body is like oh, we can start to remember what good, when it comes to trusting ourselves, feels like because, again, it's not going to feel negative, it's not going to feel bad, it's going to feel a certain way and it's going to be a positive feeling for you.
Another thing you can do is when painful thoughts or stressful thoughts come in like I'm just not good enough, I don't deserve that, I'm not worthy of that, start to question those thoughts because often we just automatically believe them. Right, we've been believing them for so long, we've been taking it at face value for so long that it's just not for us, that we can't do that, that there's something wrong with us, we're broken in some way, that we just automatically believe it. Let's start to question those thoughts. Start to ask yourself why is it that I automatically believe I'm not good enough, I can't do that, it's not for me, I don't deserve it. And why do I automatically listen to that? But the other thought maybe I am good enough, right, maybe that is for me, it's possible that I'm worthy.
Why is it so hard to believe those? Why am I so 100% on the side of the negative, the ones that feel bad, and why is it so hard for me to believe the opposite, to believe the other side of it? Sometimes the answer is because it's the loudest, that's the one that I've heard the most in my life, because often self-trust and a sense of self, those thoughts will come in quietly. And so we have to learn to listen and get rid of the noise of all of these false beliefs so that we can actually zero in on our sense of self, our self-trust and what that feels like. Because the voice that is loud and the voice that is berating you and beating you up and telling you you're the worst, that is not your true essence, that is not you. To begin to trust yourself, you have to be willing to stop listening to that voice.
And one really important thing to remember when you are learning to tap into that sense of self, that self-trust feeling, is remind yourself that you are safe right now, in this moment. This is what grounding exercises are for. I have a slew of grounding techniques that you can try out if you don't know how to be present in the here and now. But that is what that is for Be present in the here and now and remember that you are actually safe in this moment, right now. And how does that feel? What does that feel like to be present and to feel safe?
Safety and knowing what safety feels like is an important part of understanding what trusting yourself feels like, because when we trust, we feel safe, and sometimes we're telling ourselves we're safe, or sometimes we're telling ourselves we're comfortable, believing that that means safety, when actually we just might be comfortable in a very toxic situation. We just might be comfortable in beliefs that we've believed for so long that that feels comfortable, and any belief outside of that like oh, maybe I am good enough or I am worthy feels very uncomfortable. And so we want to bring it back to the here and now, get out of the future worry, get out of the past anxiety, get out of any of those the future or the past and we want to bring it to the here and now by grounding ourselves in what safety feels like right now, because that is where we're going to tap into that feeling of self-trust. So we want to come back to number one I am safe. I am safe in this moment. I am grounded in where I am. I am in the here and now.
And then we're going to listen to that little, small voice, the one that we know is our true self. It's very tiny and small, especially when we first are learning to remember what it sounds like. It's small, it whispers, because all of those other voices are so loud, and so we have to learn to listen to it. We have to give ourselves permission to feel good and we have to recognize what good feels like for you. For me, remember, it's peaceful, it's open, it feels right inside my body. And then ask yourself what am I curious about? What do I desire? What do I want? Where do I maybe feel stuck? And let me get curious about how to get unstuck from that. You start to ask yourself questions about what it is that you truly, truly want and you have to be willing to let go of control over every situation.
I think often that is a huge obstacle that we face when we are learning to trust ourselves again. We want to be able to control the outcomes of everything, and that's where that kind of faith of what not needing to know how things are going to turn out comes in. Faith is kind of a big part of self-trust, right. We have to believe in this uncertainty outside of what we're doing, outside of this decision that we're making. We have to believe that things are going to be okay and that we're not going to be able to control the outcome, and that can feel very scary, don't get me wrong. I totally understand exactly what that feels like, like for me I I've talked about this this entire time in this podcast that that peaceful feeling.
One of the first times I remembered what self-trust felt like for me was when I was deciding whether or not I wanted to get divorced. My husband and I at the time we had been back and forth Should we? Shouldn't we? Should we go to counseling? Should we separate? Should we just stay married for the kids? Should we be in open marriage? Should we get divorced? Like we just didn't know and neither of us was coming up with the answer. And it was very confusing and stressful and hard and frustrating and there was a lot of anger and sadness and grief and all the things that went along with that.
And I just remember being out on a walk by myself one day and I just finally asked myself the question what do you want? And I just finally asked myself the question what do you want? Do you want to stay married or do you want to get divorced? And I just closed my eyes as I'm on my walk, I stopped in the middle of the street, closed my eyes and just listened and gave myself permission to answer honestly, without judgment what was my true inner knowing, what did my inner self truly want and need in that moment to answer that question. And the answer was I want a divorce. And for many people that could be very scary and I thought that it was going to be a scary answer. I thought I would feel bad and sad and terrible and oh no. But because I was grounded in that moment, I was present in the here and now, I gave myself permission to understand the answer and to not judge it. And I felt it and a wash of peace came over me and I absolutely knew, without a doubt, that was the right answer for me. That was it.
There was no going back after that point, because I knew that knowing showed up, that self-trust came. I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if things were going to work out. I didn't know how he would take it if I told him I wanted a divorce. I didn't know if things were going to work out. I didn't know how he would take it if I told him I wanted a divorce. I didn't know how the kids would react. I didn't know that I'd be okay.
What I knew is that was the right answer for me and I was going to trust it that things would work itself out, that I would figure out the next step, that I would know what to do in the moment, know what to do in the moment. I had to trust that feeling, that peaceful, open, loving feeling, that knowing that it was guiding me in the right direction. And it did. And it was and it is, it continues to do it, and I continue to go back to that feeling when I need to tap into my self-trust. And you can do it too, it's possible, I promise you. So follow these steps that I just gave you and learn to tap into that inner self, that inner trust, that little voice, that little feeling.
And as you do that, the more often you do it, the more you start to recognize it, the more you step into trust and belief and faith of yourself that you've got this, that you can do it, that you know that you'll figure it out, that you'll know what to do next, the stronger you will become and this skill will be prevalent in your life and you will start to see it over and over and over again and you will start to feel more confident in yourself. And it's like this cyclical you trust yourself, you feel confident, you make decisions, you move forward, you choose the direction you're going, you feel good about that and when you recognize this, you create an incredible connection to yourself and to what is right for you and your life, and no one else can give you that. That is something that only you can tap into and it's a beautiful, amazing, incredible thing. When you do remember it's already within you. We're just trying to help you remember what it feels like so you can start to recognize it more and more often. All right, my friends, I hope this is helpful. I love you so much.
Try this out. Come tell me how it's going on Instagram at Karin Nelson coaching. I will talk to you next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.
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