Have you ever found yourself caught in the emotional whirlwind of single parenting after a divorce, trying to juggle your feelings while managing your child's outbursts? Being a single parent after the end of your marriage can feel daunting and foreign. In this episode you will learn two main strategies to help you through the challenges of single parenting.
You will learn strategies to help break the cycle of mirroring your children's emotions and how to shift away from a scarcity mindset. You will learn to create a foundation for a healthier, more balanced family dynamic as your new family definition takes shape.
You will discover the power of taking responsibility for your emotions and not letting your child's behavior dictate your mood. I discuss practical ways to avoid the common trap of reflecting your child's negative emotions, which often only escalates conflicts. And by recognizing and adjusting a scarcity mindset, you'll learn to cherish your time with and without your kids, fostering a more harmonious and present parent-child relationship. This episode is a heartfelt and honest conversation about the resilience and growth that comes with single parenting after divorce, aimed at providing you with actionable advice and emotional support.
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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
If you're looking for help to get you through the emotional roller coaster that you are on as you go through your divorce, you are in the right place. This is Becoming you Again. I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast.
This is week two of my summer vacation and, if you remember from last week, I am offering you a greatest hits episode, which is basically just an episode that is one of my highest performing. That's very popular, and I know I just did a parenting episode a couple of weeks ago where I talk about expectations around parenting and around our kids when we parent. But this episode is a little bit different. Yes, I am talking about parenting, actually how to parent as a single parent, especially if you've never done it before. But what's different is the things that you're going to learn in this episode will help you with any relationship that you have, not just with your parent-child relationship, because you're going to learn two main things when you listen to this episode. You are going to learn how to not mirror other people's emotions. I talk specifically about your children. But guess what? This is going to be super helpful for you if you also mirror your ex or soon-to-be ex's emotions. So listen up, take notes and learn. And then the second thing you are going to learn is how to recognize if you are thinking about your time with or without your kids from a scarcity mindset. I promise you this can change everything for you, especially if you are struggling with not being with your kids as often. Okay, so there you have it Again. If you've already listened to this effective single parenting episode that is coming up probably has a different title now for this one as it's a greatest hit episode but if you've already listened to it, see if there's something else that you can episode. But if you've already listened to it, see if there's something else that you can learn. And if you haven't listened to it, you're welcome. You're going to learn some great things I hope you enjoy. Welcome back to Becoming you again.
I'm your host, karin Nelson, and this is the podcast where I teach you how to reconnect with yourself, create emotional resiliency and live a truly independent life so you can have an even better life than when you were married. Today I'm talking all about effective single parenting after divorce. Parenting is challenging when there's two of us, right. When there's two of us in the same household working together on the same team, it's hard. So adding divorce to the mix and becoming a single parent can feel very daunting and scary at times.
I know for me, while I was married, I saw myself as a single parent much of the time because I was the one who was always home with the kids. I made dinner, I was home when they got home from school, I went on the field trips and tucked them in at night. My ex wasn't home as much, and so I had this story that I was already a single parent while I was married. That was running through my head. So when I got divorced, I didn't really view my parenting life as much different other than when I had my kids. I tried really hard to be present and not plan anything that where I would be away or where I would be out doing things while they were going to be with me, like at my house. But as I've grown, I've had to learn and grow too as a parent and work on some key areas that have helped strengthen my connection and my relationship with my kids as I parent them, and so today I'm going to address specifically two key areas that can help you when it comes to effective single parenting.
Before I talk about these two areas, I want to get your mind thinking about what it means to be a parent. Going through a divorce means that you're going through a transition time in your life. Everything that once was is now a little bit different, and that includes who you are as a parent and how you want to define it. So take some time and define what it means to you now to be a parent. If it doesn't look the way you want it to look, that's okay. To you now to be a parent. If it doesn't look the way you want it to look, that's okay.
The thing about redefining things in our lives means we get to choose, moving forward, what it means to us. So what do you want it to look like? Who do you want to be as a parent? How do you want to feel. How do you want to show up for your kids? This is important for you to know. This information is going to help create this story that you tell about yourself as their parent. And so it's important for you to know, because now that you're divorced, you are, at least for part of the time, the only parent, and you probably had a different idea of what being a parent looked like when you were married, what it meant and how you showed up while you were married. Like I said, you get to decide what your new definition is and it can look any way you want. So do that work, because it's really going to help you define, moving forward, who you want to be as a parent.
So for me, as I mentioned before, I often felt like I was already a single parent during my marriage, but I was often a little more strict with the kids than my husband was. I didn't often let myself have as much fun with them, and I told myself this story that I have to be the one in charge of the discipline, which is actually kind of funny as a side note, because I'm a pretty relaxed kind of person. I'm usually really laid back about most things. I don't let a lot of things really bother me, and so it's kind of funny that I took on that role. But it wasn't until I got divorced that I found myself really letting go of trying to control my kids and how they showed up, because I realized that the more I tried to control them, the more they pulled away from me, which is hilarious, right, we want to be close to our kids and we want to feel connected to our kids, and yet we try and control everything about their lives because we're their parents and we think that's our job, and yet it just pushes them away in so many different aspects.
So I had to learn to let go of the reins not completely, but a lot more than I was. I gave myself permission to let my kids have experiences that would allow them to learn on their own. I stopped worrying that my son was spending too much time on video games and I stopped trying to control when their homework got done and I just let them make decisions about whether they finished it three weeks before it was due or one hour before it was due. I kind of just left that up to them and knew that things would kind of work themselves out as they needed to. I also gave myself permission to have a lot more fun with my kids During the first year or two after our divorce. We did a few staycations where I would book a room in a hotel downtown that had a really fun pool and we'd go stay the night and we'd swim and we'd eat at fun restaurants. Sometimes we'd go to fun live shows that we liked, like seeing Markiplier or the Impractical Jokers, and I decided parenting to me was just going to be more fun and more open, more like my personality, and this has really served me in my relationship with my kids since the divorce.
I want to move on to two key areas to focus on. After you define what it means to you to be a parent, the first thing that I think is going to help you immensely in becoming an effective single parent is to stop mirroring your kids' emotions. So let me explain what that means through an example. Let's say you have a 10-year-old son and you ask him to take the garbage out and at first he kind of whines and tells you he doesn't want to, and then he mopes around for 10 minutes while you ask him four more times to take the garbage out. Then he gets angry and he yells as he's taking the garbage out. Right? You always make me take the garbage out. You never do it yourself. Why do I always have to do it? You're so mean. And then he huffs and he puffs and he stomps his feet and slams the door and he takes the garbage out.
We've all had an experience similar to this. In some way, his emotions during this exchange probably went from frustrated to angry, and this is where the mirroring comes in. You'll know that you're mirroring your child's emotions when you have an exchange of words like this, like I just went through, and you begin to feel the same type of emotions they're feeling. So in this example, it would look like you ask your son and he complains and then gets upset. And during the exchange, when he starts complaining, you also start complaining that he's complaining. You say things like why can't you just do it? The first time I ask you why do you have to just complain about taking the garbage out? You could have been done with this 10 minutes ago if you'd just done it when I first asked. Do you see how that's like basically doing exactly what he was doing? It's just coming from you, right? It's these thoughts that you're having that are creating your frustration, but because you saw it in his reaction first, you mirrored his emotions. Your frustration then escalates to feeling angry, just as his did, because you're mirroring his emotions by not managing your mind.
It can be really easy to fall into this cycle of mirroring. I think the majority of parents do this without even realizing that it's happening. But it's truly not necessary. The first step to stopping this cycle of marrying emotions is to take responsibility for your own emotions. Most of the time we think, well, I'm only frustrated because my kid is complaining, and if he would just take the garbage out without complaining the first time I asked him, then I wouldn't have to feel frustrated. But I hate to break it to you. This is a lie. Okay, this is a lie you're telling yourself.
When you believe this story, it means that you're giving all of your control of your own emotional life over to your 10-year-old. Is that what you want? You want your 10-year-old to be in control of your emotions. No, your 10-year-old or your kids don't even know how to control their own emotions. Why would you give them control over yours? You are in charge of your own emotions by what you're thinking, this story that your child should like to take the garbage out and do it on the first try is what's causing you to feel frustrated? Because here's what's happening Kids don't like to take the garbage out. Kids don't like to be asked to do things. Have you noticed this? Kids have to be asked 10 times to do things.
This is the reality of the situation when it comes to our kids and when we can accept that. Not that we have to like it. I'm not saying you have to love when your kids, you know, throw tantrums and are upset. I'm just saying accepting that this is what it is. This is the reality of the situation. That's when you'll be able to drop the frustration. It is possible for you to be a parent who asks their child to do something and you don't have to feel frustrated or have it escalate to anger. Will your child still get frustrated and angry? Probably Most likely, yes, but you don't have to. This is the key. You get to decide what kind of parent you want to be, and if you're tired of continually mirroring your child's emotions, then you can choose to stop at any time.
One thing that has really helped me get good at not mirroring my kids' emotions is I've decided not to take anything they do or say personally. This is something that I've worked on a lot since my divorce. I just remind myself that they are feeling and doing things because of what's happening in their brain, not because of me or what I'm asking them to do. Their behavior doesn't have anything to do with me. It doesn't mean I'm a good parent. It doesn't mean I'm a bad parent. It doesn't mean I'm a failure. It doesn't mean they hate me. It doesn't mean any of those things. It means that whatever they're thinking about is creating their feelings and their actions. It means that whatever they're thinking about is creating their feelings and their actions.
Since I've been able to adopt this kind of thinking, I am so much more calm when I'm parenting my kids. I allow them to have their emotions and I don't need them to change how they're feeling so that I can feel good, so that I can feel better. I just get to feel good if I choose to, which is, I think, for me. Personally. I'm a pretty happy, easygoing person most of the time, and I like when I feel that way, and so if I can avoid mirroring their emotions and avoid bringing those negative emotions and piling them on myself because of what I'm thinking and feeling, then I'm going to do it any chance I get. I just get to feel good if I choose to, and then they can be upset if they want, they can be upset about taking the garbage out. It's really not a problem. This is also really important when it comes to growing into emotional maturity, for you and for them. When we allow our kids to feel whatever they're feeling without needing them to change it or get rid of it quick so that we can feel better, that teaches them that emotions are okay, there's nothing wrong with them and it's okay to feel them, it's okay to have them.
My son is 16 and he's a junior in high school and he often will come home from school upset or annoyed, and so I'll go in and I'll say, hey, how's your day? And he'll shrug or he'll lay on the couch and mutter something like leave me alone, I don't want to talk. And I used to get really upset and annoyed by this because I want him to talk to me, right? I want him to tell me what's wrong, I want to try and help him feel better or fix what was going on. But since I've learned to give him space to feel what he's feeling and to not mirror his emotions. I can just say something like okay, I love you, I'm in my office if you need me. He gets to feel what he's feeling. He gets to have the space to be able to work through that emotion, however he needs to, and I get to continue on with my day, feeling whatever I'm feeling. I'm giving him space to know that it's okay for him to be feeling what he's feeling and I know that it doesn't have anything to do with me.
There is so much freedom in this way of parenting and when you can master it, your parenting life will become so much more enriched and you will be so much more connected to your kids. The next thing that will be really helpful as you work to become an effective single parent is stop thinking about your kids with a scarcity mindset. This idea was introduced to me by my mentor and it made so much sense to me that I was like I have to share this with my listeners because it is so true, especially for divorced women. So what does it mean to think about your kids with a scarcity mindset? What that means is by thinking that now that you're divorced, you think that you don't get to see them enough. There's not enough time. You're not going to miss out on them being with you all the time. Right, you're going to miss out. It's like this fear of missing out on something with your children. You're going to have to share them with your ex, and that's so frustrating and annoying, and it would just be so much easier if they were with you all the time.
All of those thoughts are coming from scarcity, are coming from lack of not enough right. This whole idea of not enough time or attention with your kids is creating a feeling of scarcity within you. And here's the thing when you feel scarcity, you will show up as a not great version of yourself. When you're with your kids, and when you're not with them, even You'll become really needy. When they're with you, you need to be with them every moment. You need to have their attention. You're needing them to take away that feeling of scarcity. While they're with you, and so you don't leave them alone.
You become clingy and weird and you turn into someone who you're not, and then, when they're away from you, the scarcity thinking takes over again. It's just not enough time and you constantly want to be with them and you're constantly focused on not being able to see them or not being able to be with them, and you're creating these feelings of loss and regret and guilt and shame that are so unnecessary when they're away from you. You focus all of your thoughts and energy on what you could be missing out from their lives while they're with their dad, when, in reality, what's happening is you're missing out on living your own life. You're missing out on allowing yourself to discover who you are, on allowing yourself to do things that fulfill you. You're missing out on feeling abundant and rich in your life right now. So being willing to drop the scarcity and thinking you don't get enough time with your kids will actually open you up to being able to enjoy the time that you do have with them. It's going to be more meaningful for you and you'll feel real and connected to them when they're with you, and when they're gone, you'll create a richer, more deep connection with yourself, which will allow you to be a more effective parent overall.
So, for example, my ex takes my kids on lots of really fun, amazing vacations, and this last Christmas, their Christmas gift was a trip to Spain, which was something that my ex and I had always talked about doing when we were married. It was kind of one of the things that we always wanted to do was travel to Spain. He had lived there for two years before we were married and it was something that we always wanted to do as a family was travel to Spain, and so they got to go for like 10 days and have this amazing experience in Spain. And I've been to Spain and it is amazing, beautiful place. I was so excited for them.
Here's the thing I could have shown up with a scarcity mindset of like why do they get to go? We always wanted to do this together. I'm so jealous. I can't believe he's doing this without me. What a terrible person. I can't believe they're going to go have fun without me.
Like I could have had all of these thoughts of like judgment and jealousy and guilt over not staying married and not getting to experience this with my kids. But I didn't want to. I don't like that feeling of jealousy and guilt and anger toward my ex. It doesn't feel good to me and I just don't find it necessary in my life. And, of course, I didn't want my kids to feel like they shouldn't be going on this trip, like there's something wrong and maybe they should feel bad about going. I wanted them to go experience this beautiful country and the people and the culture and all of the things that I knew they were going to experience. I wanted them to have that and so I was excited for them. I was thrilled that my ex was able to provide this opportunity for my kids to experience this and to go have fun with their dad and to go see all of these things that they haven't been able to see or experience yet. That is a feeling and thoughts of abundance of like this is going to enrich their life. This is going to enrich their connection with their dad and this is going to enrich my life and my connection with them, because I just get to love them and be so excited and happy for them as they experience this.
Did you know that you can choose to just be happy and excited for your kids and for the things that they get to experience when they're away from you? It's okay for you to choose that. It doesn't mean that you're a bad parent. It doesn't mean that something's gone wrong. It doesn't mean that you're not showing up in love for them. It actually means that you're showing up with more love and acceptance and openness for who they're becoming, and letting them know that it's okay for them to have experiences without you, because, ultimately, that is what's going to happen, right, they're going to grow up, they're going to move on, they're going to move out of your house and they're going to have experiences without you. And letting them know that it's okay for that to happen, because you're showing up with abundance and love and openness, is going to connect them to you in a way that will serve you for the rest of your life and for the rest of their life. But the more you try and cling to them and like, show them that it's not good for them to have experiences without you and that you need to be with them and that every moment with them is just not enough, it is going to push them away and you will disconnect from them and it's going to create the exact opposite of what you actually want. So go about your single parenting in a way that is open, that is full of love and full of abundance, because I promise you that when you can do that, your connection with your kids will strengthen.
Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to karinnelsoncoaching dot com. That's wwwkarennelsoncoachingcom. That's wwwk-a-r-i-n-n-e-l-s-o-n Coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married, make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.
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