Having expectations for our kids feels important, useful and a type of guide to the often mysterious and dismaying act of parenting. But what happens when your kids don't meet or live up to your expectations? What happens to your parent child relationship? Do you define yourself as a parent on their outcomes? Do you blame them for your emotional disregulation?
Find out more in this episode where we will explore how clinging to specific expectations may actually be causing more harm than good for your own emotional life and your ability to parent effectively. You will learn to get curious and question the expectations that you have now, how to decide which ones to keep, and what to do when those expectations aren't met.
You will learn how your own ideas of self-worth are tied into these expectations and how to detangle yourself from relying on your children's behavior for external validation. This episode offers invaluable advice on how to manage and understand your expectations, ultimately fostering a positive emotional atmosphere for both you and your children. Tune in for an eye-opening discussion on effective parenting through the lens of acceptance and emotional resilience.
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Full Episode Transcript:
You are listening to Becoming you Again, episode number 172, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. Welcome back to the podcast. My lovely ladies, I hope that you are having an amazing summer.
Today I'm going to be talking about the net positive of dropping our expectations, the net positive of dropping our expectations when we parent, but basically, the topic, the theme of this podcast episode is why it's going to be useful to you to drop the expectations that you're holding onto when it comes to your kids as their parent, because, as parents, we just basically have a lot of expectations that either we've come up with on our own, or we've been handed by society or culture, or what we've seen on television, which is part of those things, or what we've read in books or like all of the different things. Right, wherever we get our expectations from and the ideas of what should be expected, how someone should show up, what they should be doing. We as parents use those expectations and kind of use it as a guide. To either number one say if my kids meet these expectations in some way, then that must mean that I'm doing parenting right, that must mean that I'm a good parent, that must mean that I've figured it out. And if they don't meet those expectations whatever those expectations are then I've failed, I've done something wrong, I've screwed up my kids, there's something wrong with me. That's typically how we use. Now we may not actually know that we're doing that. We might blame our kids, we might think that they're terrible. We might think that their life is ruined if they don't show up in a specific way that we think they should. We might think that they're bad. We might think that everything has gone wrong and we need to fix it all. But the underlying idea underneath all of those things really comes down to I've done something wrong, I've failed, I'm a bad parent. We make it all about us, which is kind of interesting, right? This happens a lot of the time subconsciously, and we do this in many, many different areas of our life, but I think it's really prevalent when it comes to parenting and it's important to kind of take a look at. So if you're a parent and you're going through a divorce and you're struggling with your kids, this might be a really good episode to help you start to take a look at some things, if you want to.
Now I am using a book by Heather Frazier it is called How I Fixed my Teen as kind of my guide. I'm using one of the chapters in there where she talks about dropping expectations. I think it's really useful and so I will be using her book as kind of a guide and I'm just going to talk about the ideas and the themes. I do think it's important to take a look at this idea of expectations that we put on our children as a guide for how we are showing up as a parent, all right. So what are expectations right?
Expectations is a very natural thing for us as humans to have to feel, to create in our lives. It's part of the idea of creating certainty for ourselves. We really like certainty as humans. Our brain really likes it. Even though everything is actually uncertain in our life from moment to moment, our brain wants to create this idea that there is certainty, and expectations kind of falls into that same category. So we create expectations. This is not like some weird thing that you just only you are doing, no, weird thing that you just only you are doing. No, we're all doing it and it's a very human thing to do. But the thing about expectations is that they they are the root of much of our angst and our suffering in our life. When we create expectations around anything in our life, around our children's lives, around our own life, and our reality doesn't turn out that way, we have a net negative emotional response.
Some common expectations that you might have for your children are like well, they should graduate from school. They should graduate from high school, they should graduate from college. When they do that, they're going to have a secure job in life. They're going to be financially stable, and that is an expectation that I believe is good, that I believe they should create in their life. They should get good grades. They should get straight A's. They should clean the house and do their chores. They should help more around the house. They should listen to me the first time I asked them to do something. They should want to be with me. They should want to hang out with me when I offer to take them somewhere or to do something with them. They should enjoy it, they should have a good time, they should be happy, they should be grateful that I'm their parent and I'm providing these things right.
Whenever we find the word should in things, well, it should be this way. Well, I should blah, blah, blah, blah, fill in the blank. They should blah, blah, blah, blah, fill in the blank. That is maybe a clue to where you might have an expectation that needs to be looked at. And the thing about expectations is we think, if we let go of these expectations, that automatically our kids are just going to become unruly, disrespectful. Or maybe because they're not living out these expectations, they are becoming unruly and disrespectful. We kind of put those two together. They're going to have a crappy life. Their life is going to be terrible. They don't graduate from high school if they don't get straight A's. If they continue to act out in this way, we're going to have a terrible relationship forever. I don't know what I'm doing here. As a parent, I must be the root cause of their being unsuccessful, of their living a life that I and others will look at as not great, and it must be my fault, because I really want you to think about this for a minute.
In society, when we hear stories of either children who have acted out, who have done things that we as a society would deem not a good choice, something bad, something has gone wrong, very often the first thought is where were their parents? Where did they learn that? Who taught them that? Right, we take all of the onus and we put it on the parents and their failure as not being good enough, not being not teaching the right things, not doing the right things, not showing up in the right way, whatever Right, and we take all of the responsibility away from that person and their own choices and their own accountability and their own agency or autonomy. And their own accountability and their own agency or autonomy.
Now, I'm not saying that what you do as a parent doesn't have any effect on your child, but when it comes to expectations, we have to recognize what we are in control of and what we are not in control of. Yeah, now the thing about expectations is they in and of themselves, are not inherently good or bad, right or wrong. That comes, those ideas, come the hurt and pain that we feel inside. That's when it occurs is when we give meaning to those expectations not being met as meaning something about us personally. So let me explain what I mean.
If we check all of the boxes, I'm like, okay, I got married, that was an expectation of society. I had kids, that was another expectation. Now my kids are in school, they're getting good grades Okay, perfect, I can check that box off. And then something happens and you're like, wait a minute. Uh, they are not listening as much or their grades are not doing great. They went from A's to C's or D's and it seems like overnight and I'm going through this divorce. That must be my fault. I've created this. They're acting out in some way. It's my fault. I'm a bad parent, I'm a failure. I haven't been good enough, I've done something wrong. This is definitely my fault. Right, and we stop checking off those boxes, our expectations that society and ourselves have put on our children, on our lives, on all of the things. We're not able to check off those boxes any longer.
Like I thought when I checked off these boxes of like getting married, having kids, having a good job, that I would be happy, I would be successful, I was told that that's how life was supposed to go and everything was supposed to fall into place, and it's not. Now I'm going through a divorce. Now my kids are starting to act out. They're not getting good grades anymore. They're not listening to me, they don't want to hang out with me. I feel like they like the other parent more than they like me. I thought that I was doing everything right. I had this expectation of what my life would look like. I had this expectation of what my children's life would look like, and now it's not. I must be doing something wrong. I must not be good enough.
It's my fault, and because we put that blame on us and we take full responsibility for all of the outcomes of our life that haven't been met by this list of things, these lists of expectations that we thought would lead to happiness, we feel shame, we want to hide, we want to pull away, we feel guilt, like we've created something that can't be undone in our life and in theirs. And in some twisted way, we also blame our kids for not showing up in the way that we think they should. They shouldn't be acting out, they shouldn't be getting bad grades, they shouldn't be questioning which parent they like better. They shouldn't be doing these things. They shouldn't be choosing things on their own, they shouldn't be upset, they shouldn't be feeling this way, or maybe they should, and even then it's my fault. I created it for them, right?
We tell ourselves this, and then that blame and that hurt and that guilt and that shame that we feel, we carry it around and it gets deeper and we give ownership of our emotional life. The cause of our feelings, the cause of our blame, the cause of our shame, the cause of our guilt to our kids, to the world, to society, to the way that our kids are acting, to the way they're showing up, to the choices that they're making, and we're basically putting our emotional life in their hands, in their control. We are giving them control and then we believe that the only way we can believe we're a good parent, the only way we can be happy or find joy or feel success as a parent, is if their life turns out successful, is if they choose something different to meet this expectation that I have. Do you see how this works? It's like a cycle. And then the interesting thing is on the flip side if they do meet our expectations and they do get good grades and they do graduate from school and they do clean their room the first time I asked them to, or they do come on this outing with me and we have so much fun. Then we also take ownership of that and say, okay, now I can believe I'm a good parent, now I can believe I'm doing something right. Both ways are flawed thinking. Both ways we are giving ownership of our emotional outcome to someone else, and in this case it's our kids. Right, because we're talking about the net negative the net positive of our emotional life.
When it comes to our children, when it comes to our parenting, what we want to be able to do is take back control of our emotional life. Stop putting it on our children's shoulders. We don't want them to have to carry that burden around. They don't even know they're carrying it. We're just putting it on there and saying now you be in charge of it, now you be in charge by your actions and your choices, of whether I believe I'm good enough, of whether I show up as a good parent, of whether I'm happy, of whether I love you. We put that onus on them, we put it on their shoulders and we're like you carry it around and we don't want to do that anymore. I mean you can, of course you can, but if you want to learn a skill of being in charge of your own emotional life and allowing your kids to be who they are and learning the skill of loving them unconditionally as they are, letting them live their life without expectations and it's a skill right Then you're going to have to take back your emotional life and understand what you're in charge of and what they're in charge of.
Now I'm not saying don't get rid of all of the expectations. You can have as many expectations as you want. Just take back the ownership of how you're feeling and what it's making you believe about yourself, and realize that it's not them, it's the expectation, it's the meaning that you're putting on it. I believe that they should do this thing and if they don't, that is on me and how I feel and what I believe about it. That is not on them. Me and how I feel and what I believe about it. That is not on them. That's that's where the line has to be drawn.
What this really comes down to, when it comes to expectations, is that we are basing our belief on ourself, our belief on if we're good enough, our belief on our worth, our belief on if we're successful, our belief on all of these things right On external factors, like if my kid shows up and performs in this certain way. And the problem with doing that when it comes to ourself and what we think about ourself and needing that external validation in whatever way that shows up, is that we will always be let down because we cannot 100% rely on anything outside of us to give us what we need internally. That internal love, that internal belief, that internal knowledge of our worth has to come from inside and it has to start here. We often look for it outside of us in our actions and ticking off those boxes that I talked about right, getting married and having kids and getting the great job and all of those things. We look for it out there, but it really has to come from in here.
We have to change the way we think about ourselves and when we start to do that, that's when it will start to change how we view and think about other people and how we view and think about the expectations that we're holding onto around them. Like, when it comes to expectations, what if your kids never fit exactly into that expectation cookie cutter that you have envisioned for them in your head. What if that never occurs? What is that going to mean about you? And whatever you're thinking right now? That's going to give you a good idea about how you talk to yourself when it comes to unmet expectations about your kids. And when we do that, we often beat ourselves up. Right Already kind of talked about this.
We're creating a net negative emotional outcome for ourselves when we think about those unmet expectations, when we think about how our kids' lives aren't living up to that cookie cutter idea that we thought. Well, I thought when my kid turned 11, they were going to listen to me and we were going to grow closer. Because they're older now we can do more stuff together and they were going to want to be with me and all I, all they're doing is arguing with me and yelling and getting more upset and getting bad grades, and I just don't know what to do. This isn't how I thought it was going to be. They're acting in a way that I wasn't expecting. Oh, that tells you. And now I feel shitty and they feel shitty and it must be my fault.
We're creating a net negative emotional outcome for ourselves because we're blaming them for not living up to the way we thought they were going to. But we're also blaming ourselves for not being good enough. And then we feel shame and we feel like we can't be a good parent. We're we never were a good parent. We're doing something wrong. We're doing all that wrong, and that's one option, that's one way of doing it. That's probably the way you've been doing it, which I understand, because I did that for a very, very, very long time and I still catch myself doing it.
I'm not like I have all of my expectations in check. I'm still caught off guard by some sneaky expectations or by regular ones that pop up and I'm like, oh yeah, okay, there's that, there's that expectation that I didn't realize was one, and now I'm holding on to it. Okay, right, we still get. We're not perfect. This is going to happen again. Our brain likes to create expectations for people. It's okay. What we're doing now is we're just being aware. So that net negative. That's one way of doing it.
Or you have the option to input some positivity and I don't mean like fake, toxic positivity, I'm not talking about like well, they're acting out and it's fine, everything's going to be okay. Acting out and it's fine, everything's going to be okay. I'm a great parent, I'm an amazing parent. My kids just can do whatever. They positive outlook around the expectation.
Like when an expectation isn't met, you can think something that's like well, maybe it was never going to turn out the way I thought. Like that's not toxic positivity, that's just getting your brain to think there's more outcomes to this than I ever thought. I had one idea in my head. Maybe it was never going to look like that idea that I had in my head. I wonder how this is going to turn out.
Those thoughts, those questions, that curiosity, this understanding is what is going to help take you from net negative emotional outcome to either a net neutral emotional outcome or even a net positive emotional outcome, because you're stepping away from the shame, you're stepping away from the blame, you're stepping away from this idea that you're not good enough and what we're doing is we're letting go of that idea that it was in your control in the first place. We're letting go of this idea that you have to perform some way as a parent to believe that you're good enough and you need your kids to perform in some way to believe that you're good enough. We're dropping that and once we drop that, we can let go of the shame and we can let go of the blame, and we can let go of the hurt and the pain that we're feeling inside and create a net neutral or net positive outcome for ourself. Now, we don't know if it's going to create that for your kids, because we're not in charge of their emotions right, they are. They make meaning in the same way that we make meaning and feel things and have outcomes because of it. They do the same for their own life.
And so we go back to this idea of creating a net neutral or a net positive emotional outcome and we start asking some questions. We're like, okay, can I let go of some of my expectations around how I think my child should act at the age of 13 or how I think they should be performing at school? Can I just love them where they're at? And if so, what does that look like? What does that mean Just loving them? Can I love them unconditionally? What does that look like? What does that mean? Can I be compassionate with myself as I go through this process, as I learn to let go of these expectations, as I learn to take back control over my emotional life?
And I want you to notice something you cannot be loving with your kids when you believe that they are the cause of your suffering. Now, you might be like I don't think they're the cause, I'm taking all the blame, I'm the cause. But when you think, well, I can't really control the outcome of their life because of the way they're acting, because of what's going on, and that must mean that I'm a bad parent. That is saying that they are the cause because of their actions and the way they're showing up, that they are the cause of your emotional pain, of your belief about yourself. I must be a shit parent because of this.
And you also can't be loving to yourself when you continue to line up all of the things on that ticker tape that's going across your brain. Right, it's going through your brain and you're seeing all the ways that you're doing parenting wrong, all of the things that you have based your life off, of all of those expectations that are unmet. Now you can't be loving to yourself when you continue to just line those up and go yep, there's another one. Oh, let's add this one too. Oh, I didn't do that, I didn't eat perfectly today. Let's add that. Oh, now I'm getting out of doors. Let's add that I've failed again.
Like when you're taking those ticker tape things and you're letting them run across your brain, you can't be loving to yourself. And when you look at your kids and like, well, they're acting out in this way, they're not getting good grades, they're not cleaning up their room when I asked them to, they don't want to hang out with me you can't be loving to them either. So here are some questions that you can ask yourself about expectations. Right, this is what we want to uncover is where are these expectations Maybe the overt ones, maybe there's some hidden ones and really get curious about it. We want to look at this without judgment. We want to look at this with curiosity and try and have a better understanding about what it is that you're telling yourself and what expectations are you putting out there that are for yourself? You're creating a net negative result.
So where are my expectations around my kids? What are they and how do I interpret those as they play out? What meaning am I giving them about myself and about my kids? And from that place, what kind of a parent are you Like? How do you behave? How do you show up when you see those expectations aren't being met. What's going on for you? Where do you have shame around this? Where's that shame Maybe hiding? Where do you have some grief over some of these unmet expectations? Cause grief likes to hide too right, and we know that often when we're feeling grief around something that our kid isn't doing, around our divorce and how we thought our life was going to turn out, when we have grief it's often a cloud and until we clear some of that grief, we can't really understand what the other emotions are. We can't really understand what's happening. And so where do I have hidden grief and how can I open myself up to feeling that grief, to allowing it to be present, to work through it, so that I can understand some of these other emotions that I'm feeling because of these unmet expectations?
Letting go of expectations and learning to create a net positive in your emotional life around your parenting and you can use this in any in any way, right around any expectations. We're just specifically talking about parenting today, but this idea really comes down to this it is developing the skill, and I said it before. It is a skill because this is something that you're learning to do. You've never done this before. You've never been taught how to do this before. This is a skill that you develop. It's developing the skill of telling the difference between what you are in control of and what your kids are in control of. And then you get to own your expectations and the emotional outcome that you create for yourself with those expectations. I'm not telling you to keep or let go of any expectation. You get to keep and hold on to any expectation that you want. Just own that. You are the creator of your emotional outcome when those or if those expectations are not met, and you still get to decide what that means about you.
All right, my friends, I hope this is helpful. As always, you are loved. You are amazing. You got this. Got to just start to believe and trust in yourself. I love you. I will be back next week. Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real life practice and practical guidance To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one. Go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating. Wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description you.
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