When you're feeling so overwhelmed by your divorce - you can't see any hope in sight - just remember that spring is on its way. When things are really hard we can beat ourselves up thinking that we need to know the end game; that we need to see the next steps play out; we need to know how it's all going to work out. When things are hard it feels like winter - cold, hard, and dark and like it will last forever.
But what you can practice remembering is that you don't need to know how it's all going to work out or when or what the solution is. When things are hard all you need to remember is spring is on its way. Spring always comes. Just hold on a bit longer and things will get better.
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Grief and trauma are the two biggest struggles women deal with as they go through their divorce. It's highly likely that you are experiencing both and don't even realize what you're feeling. I'm here to tell you that it's okay for you to grieve your marriage (even if it was shitty) and it's normal to be experiencing some kind of trauma (which is essentially a disconnection from yourself - your mind, body and soul). I can help guide you through the grief in all of the forms it shows up so you can heal. I can also teach you how to ground yourself in healing so you can ease through the trauma. Schedule your free consult by clicking here.
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Full Episode Transcript:
You're listening to Becoming you Again, episode number 164, and I am your host, karin Nelson. Welcome to Becoming you Again, the podcast to help you with your mental and emotional well-being during and after divorce. This is where you learn to overcome the grief and trauma of your divorce. We're going to do that by reconnecting with yourself, creating lasting emotional resilience and living a truly independent life, so that your life can be even better than when you were married. I'm your host, karin Nelson. All right, my friends, welcome back to the podcast, this episode.
I want to just offer you a little bit of hope, a little bit of love, a little bit of a warm hug as you're going through something really difficult. For those of you who are thinking about divorce, for those of you who are in the middle of a really difficult divorce, for those of you who are already divorced but really are struggling in your life in this moment, this episode is specifically for all of you. First of all, I want to just tell you how much I love you. I want you to know that I am here and, if you can imagine it, I am putting my arms around you, giving you a giant hug of love and support and solidarity, in knowing that I know exactly how you feel and I am not the only one who knows exactly how you feel. So many of us have felt what you're feeling, have been where you are and know what it feels like You're not alone. We love you, we support you, we're here for you when things are really hard. You might have all the tools in the world Like you may have listened to all of my podcast and a hundred other podcasts, and your tool belt is so packed full of all of the things to know how to change my thoughts, how to support myself, how to be a good parent, how to process those emotions, how to do all of the things right. You have all the tools, you've been taught them, and yet we have those moments where things just feel like they are not ever going to get better.
We feel so overwhelmed with our emotions that we just literally cannot seem to process them. It is such an effort to even open ourselves up to them even more than we already are and feel them. Even open ourselves up to them even more than we already are and feel them no-transcript how things could possibly get better. It's like we're stuck in this fog of not being able to see that there's a solution, of not knowing that things are going to get better and of really thinking that this is how our life is going to be. We don't see a solution, we don't see anything getting better and we pile on misery after misery, we beat ourselves up, we can't find meaning in it and we just perpetuate this cycle of sadness, of anger, of frustration, of despair, thinking that because we can't see a solution, thinking that because we can't see a solution, because we can't see beyond where we're at now, down into the future, that there is no solution and that we're always going to feel this sadness and this despair.
But one thing I want you to know is this is not true. In these moments, our brain is feeding us thoughts, lots and lots of thoughts, and I want you to remember that our thoughts, that our brain feeds us, are not always true. So, when you're in a very highly dysregulated state, when your emotions are very flared, you're in either probably a fight, flight or freeze mode. You're feeling very high anxiety, you're feeling very deep grief, depression, even sadness and loss, and so many other things. One thing I want you to remember is the thoughts that your brain is telling you many of them most of them maybe even are not true. Your brain might be telling you things like you'll never find a way out of this. It's always going to feel like this Everyone is against you, everyone hates you. You're doing it all wrong, this is all your fault, you created this, and so on and so forth. I want you to know that when your body is in this state where you cannot process, where you cannot reach out and use the tools because it's so difficult, because it feels so hard and heavy, you are in a crisis state. Your brain is not working at full capacity. It's just impossible for it to do that when your emotions are so heightened and you are so dysregulated that even when you're reaching for those tools that you have that you've been taught, that you know it's so hard to do them.
It's in these moments, when you're not feeling your best, that what I want you to remember. All you have to do in these moments is just be willing to believe that you don't have to have the answers of how to make things better right now. You don't have to understand that there's a solution. You don't have to know what the solution is. You don't have to find meaning in this. You don't have to make meaning in this. You don't have to find meaning in this. You don't have to make meaning in this. You don't have to understand why this is happening. You don't have to believe everything that your brain tells you. When your brain tells you it's always going to be like this, you don't have to believe that.
The only thing that I want you to believe in these really really tough moments is that if we just hang on a little bit longer, one more day, one more week, until the clouds clear, we will see a solution. We will see the future of what it will be, of what it's possible to be. We will see it. Just believe that that's possible. If we just hang on, we're going to clear these clouds and see a solution. See what's out there. You don't have to know what's out there. You don't have to know that solution. You just have to believe that it's coming.
Just know, believe trust, hold on to whatever word you want to use right there that you are going to figure out that the seasons are going to change. Your seasons of your life are going to change. It's not always going to be this really hard, cold winter that you're feeling right now, that you're in right now, because winter doesn't last forever. Spring comes and things change and bloom and new ideas and new thoughts and new solutions and new life even is planted in beautiful ways that you can't see right now and you don't need to see them right now. Just believe that it's coming, just believe that it's possible, that it's around the corner. Just believe that change, that love, that possibility that a solution is coming. Just that. Just believe it. And then be with yourself until it does.
And when I say be with yourself, I mean just hug yourself and love yourself and treat yourself with so much softness and comfort and kindness in as many ways as possible right now, because what you're going through is really hard. What you're going through is challenging. What you're going through is just like I said before it's like a winter. It's hard and it's cold and it seems like it's going to last forever. And sometimes the sun doesn't come out and sometimes all we want to do is lay in bed. And sometimes we see the sunlight peek through the sky and we think things are going well and then something else will happen. And then we see the sunlight peek through the sky and we think things are going well and then something else will happen and then we remember that we're still in this winter, but remember, winter doesn't last forever.
Whenever you're in one of those dark, hard places, you don't have to know how you're going to get out. You just have to practice believing that in the future a day, a week, a month, maybe even take time out of it, but somewhere in the future you will know how to figure it out, you will know what to do, you will know how to support yourself exactly in the way that you need. And you don't have to know today, you don't have to know right now. You just have to believe that you will know someday. One thing that I like to teach my clients to ask themselves when they're feeling very heavy and low and when they're really struggling is what do I need right now? And the more willing you are to just listen to yourself in what you need in those moments, sometimes the easier it is to allow that belief of knowing that something else is coming. The solution is coming. I don't have to know what it is, but it's out there and I'm getting closer to it.
But in those moments when you just support yourself and you be with yourself instead of abandoning yourself and beating yourself up, like we all naturally do. Don't think that when you do that, you're doing something out of the ordinary or you're messing up or why can't you be like everyone else. No, you are like everyone else. In those deep, dark moments, we all do have a tendency to abandon ourselves, to beat ourselves up, to tell ourselves we're doing it wrong. So in those moments, instead of abandoning ourselves, let's let's hug ourselves, let's wrap up in a blanket, literally or figuratively, and just be with ourselves in those really hard moments. Be soft, be gentle, be kind. You deserve that kindness. You are worthy of that kindness, you are worthy of love from yourself and from others.
And ask yourself what do I need right now? And whatever that answer is, ask yourself, what do I need right now? And whatever that answer is, try to give it to you. And I don't mean like on a grand gesture, like what do I need right now? Well, I need, you know, everything to be fine. I need my kids to love me, I need to have the money so I can pay my rent. Those aren't the kinds of needs I'm talking about when you are in this deep hurt and this really deep place of pain and misery and sadness and depression and grief and not knowing how it's going to get better in the future.
When you ask yourself that question, what do I need right now? Look for answers that maybe are more immediate, more like in the moment, like I need to go take a nap. I need to lay on the grass in the sun in my backyard for 10 minutes and let that sun fill me up with light and love and warmth. I need to snuggle with my cat or my dog on the couch while I watch a show and check out. I need to drink a cup of warm tea or coffee while I read a chapter out of my very favorite book of all time. I need to put my headphones on and blast my favorite album, my favorite playlist, my favorite song on replay for as long as it takes. I need to lay on the floor in my bathroom and cry and cry and cry. I need to go and sit on the bank of the Creek or the river that's near my home and listen to that beautiful rippling sound of water passing me by and just be out in nature. I need to go for a walk. I need to call my very best friend who is always there for me and never lets me down and has my back at every moment, and I just need them to be on the other side of the phone and I'm either going to cry or vent or just breathe.
There's so many more things that you might need in those moments. Those were just some examples of what might possibly you need in this moment, in these moments when things are so hard and so heavy. So we're not again, we're not looking for the solution that's down the road that's going to fix all the problems that we're feeling and that are heavy right now. We're going to be with ourself. Right now, we're going to believe that those solutions are coming, that things will get better, that winter is passing fast and spring is on its way, and we're going to give ourselves what we need in this moment, right now.
You got this, my friend. You are so much stronger than you believe. You are so much more capable of getting through this really hard thing than you believe. And until you get that belief for yourself, I am here. I am here reminding you you got this. I love you, I know you can do this. You are strong, you are brave, you are amazing, you are powerful, you are loving, you are good and spring is on its way. You will make your way through this. Just believe that it's on the other side.
Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here and thanks for listening. I wanted to let you know that if you're wanting more, a way to make deeper, more lasting change, then working one-on-one with me as your coach may be exactly what you need. Together, we'll take everything you're learning in the podcast and implement it in your life, with weekly coaching, real-life practice and practical guidance. To learn more about how to work with me one-on-one, go to KarinNelsonCoaching dot com. That's W-W-W dot K-A-R-I-N-N-E-L-S-O-N coaching dot com. Thanks for listening. If this podcast agreed with you in any way, please take a minute to follow and give me a rating wherever you listen to podcasts and for more details about how I can help you live an even better life than when you were married. Make sure and check out the full show notes by clicking the link in the description.